


Illogical Infatuation

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bonding, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-08-29
Packaged: 2017-12-24 02:05:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock finds himself infatuated with his captain, James T. Kirk, as their five year mission begins</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

James T. Kirk was the most illogical human I have ever known. Humans are by nature illogical and I have had to learn to accept this. 

But some are more illogical than others. Take Dr. McCoy. The Enterprise’s chief medical officer and Kirk’s closest friend since their academy days. Illogical, irrational, and irritating. If Vulcans felt irritation, which we do not. 

Put Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy together and they are almost unbearably illogical. The difference was while I found the doctor barely worthy of notice, I found James T. Kirk…fascinating. 

Humans are, for the most part, an aesthetically pleasing race and are widely sought after by many other races in the Federation for this quality. I could acknowledge Captain Kirk was a particularly physically pleasing human. He turned heads, as humans would say. If his eyes were an extremely appealing shade of blue or if his smile caused even Vulcans to pause and stare for a moment or two, it was not illogical to admit this. 

However, I did not believe that accounted for my fascination with him. While I was not immune to physically attractive features, I did not allow myself to be ruled by them. Ultimately they were of no logical consequence. And if my gaze strayed to him more often than not on the bridge that was merely because he was the captain and required my attention. 

We had started as enemies when I had discovered Cadet Kirk had cheated on the Kobayashi Maru test and continued in that vein when Kirk had stowed away on the Enterprise and had illogically been rewarded by Captain Pike with promotion to first officer. Humans could be very unpredictable in their illogic. 

But after I had marooned Kirk on Delta Vega for mutiny, and he later returned to the Enterprise with the assistance of Mr. Scott to emotionally compromise me over the loss of my mother and planet, I had begun to feel a begrudging sense of respect. Though I still did not appreciate the way he had conducted himself, his command decisions had been superior to mine and the result had been the saving of Earth. 

Now after our more recent experiences with Khan and the captain sacrificing himself to save his crew, I could acknowledge we had built a friendship as well as an efficient command team.  

And still this did not seem to explain my fascination for him. We were friends but we had never done any outside activities. I spent most of my free time with Nyota and he spent most of his free time either with Dr. McCoy or copulating with various females. We did not seem to have anything in common other than our both being in Starfleet. 

Yet when Kirk entered the rec room as I was setting up the 3D chess set shortly after the Enterprise began its five year mission, my gaze strayed to him instantly. As usual he was accompanied by Dr. McCoy, and for some illogical reason that annoyed me. If I felt annoyance, which I did not. He was laughing at something the doctor had said as they entered and his face was lit up with a particularly bright smile.

After a few seconds, he seemed to notice me in the corner and with a word to McCoy headed in my direction. I pretended to be occupied with setting up the chess game. 

“Hey, Spock.” 

“Captain.” 

“Playing chess with someone?” 

“The computer actually as I have not found anyone suitable to play with.” 

“Oh. So no one is good enough for you?” He was smiling, a sort of teasing smile, I decided, as I’d come to analyze his different smiles. I did not know why I had begun to do that. 

“I have found no one.” 

He laughed. It was a pleasing laugh. “Too bad. I’ve been known to play myself.” 

“ _You_ , Captain?” 

“Don’t look so surprised, Mr. Spock. I’m not just a pretty face.” 

“I am aware of that.” And then I wondered if that was possibly admitting I found him pretty. If he noticed, he did not remark on it. “Perhaps if you are interested you could show me your skills.” 

“Oh, so am I worthy?” he asked, with that teasing smile. 

“I do not know.” 

“Oh, my God, you are so funny,” he said, laughing. He slapped my arm in the same way he’d done back when we were going to face Nero on the Narada. “Do you want to play or not?” 

“It would be agreeable, Captain,” I said. And it would be, but only because I found it agreeable to sit across from him while trying to figure out why I found him fascinating. I did not anticipate that I would be challenged for the game in the least. 

“‘Kay. Let me go tell Bones. I’ll be right back.” 

I finished setting up the game and refused to watch him as he walked over to talk with Dr. McCoy. I did not want to appear too obvious in my fascination.   I didn’t even turn my head when he laughed again at something McCoy said, though, I did feel that odd annoyance twinge from before. The captain returned a moment later carrying a coffee mug which he set down next to the chess set and then he took the seat across from me. 

“I did not intend to take you away from your interactions with Dr. McCoy,” I said, though, in fact, I was not unhappy with this. 

He waved his hand as though it was nothing. “He’s gonna play cards with Scotty and Sulu. No big deal.” He picked up his coffee and looked quizzically over the rim at me. “I thought you’d be with Uhura though since you’re off duty.” 

Nyota and I had been having our differences of late, but I did not want to speak of it to anyone. And especially not to the captain. “She wished to read a book she had obtained.” 

This time he gave me his understanding smile. “Ready? Go easy on me.” 

I merely lifted a brow at him. “I think not. But you may move first, Captain.” 

As the game progressed I had begun to realize he had deliberately kept his chess playing abilities a secret. He was not an amateur and didn’t merely play himself. I very much suspected he could beat any other crew member of the Enterprise. Except me, of course. And of course I was more fascinated than ever by him. 

Kirk looked at his coffee mug. “Empty. Gonna get another.” He rose. “No cheating while I’m gone, Spock.” And he laughed again when he looked at my face. 

He bounced across the rec room toward the replicators. And it did seem as though he bounced. He had a sort of manic energy as he stopped by to peer at whatever crew members were doing. Usually squeezing their shoulders or slapping their backs. Every one of them beamed at him with obvious awe and affection. If he had been a popular Starfleet captain before, he was now becoming downright legendary, even in his own crew’s eyes. 

When he came back to his chair with his coffee, he slapped his forehead. “God, I’m so rude. I didn’t’ even think to ask you if you wanted something. Sorry. What can I get you?” 

“I do not require refreshment at this time, Captain. It is your move again.” I was fairly certain the game would soon be completed in my favor and I perhaps allowed myself a small amount of smugness. 

He stared at the board, turning the angle of his head this way and that. Then he pursed his lips. Then his tongue came out to trace his lips. Back to pursing. 

 _Fascinating_. 

His gaze rose to mine, his blue eyes piercing, as his fingers hovered over a piece, but didn’t quite touch it. Then with an unreadable grin, he skated his fingers above the board and moved a different piece. One that put my queen in imminent danger. 

Kirk leaned back in his chair casually while I calculated how to next move. “So, I was thinking about the landing party for Narius IV.” 

“I assume you will stay behind to captain the bridge.” 

This earned me a smirk. “Why would you assume that? The governor of the planet has a very desirable daughter.” 

I stiffened. “And how did you learn this, Captain?” 

A brilliant smile. This was his, _oh yeah, I know I’m gorgeous_ smile _._ A particularly annoying smile.  “Recent transmissions have been from her. Name is Desiree. She’s looking forward to meeting me. Can’t disappoint a beautiful woman, now can I?” 

“Do you think that is wise, Captain?” I asked neutrally. “Check.” 

He shrugged. “I don’t see why not.” 

“You are on a mission for Starfleet. Fraternization with the natives is likely against the Prime Directive.” 

Kirk looked momentarily thoughtful. He moved his piece. “Check. I don’t think so. It’s just a bit of fun.” 

“I do not believe it is what Starfleet had in mind when they sent you on this five year mission.” 

He rolled his eyes. “I am pretty sure they didn’t intend for me to be celibate, Spock. Or even care.” 

It was my turn to purse my lips, but I said nothing. I knew him well enough now to know he would do whatever he wanted regardless of what I had to say about it. 

“Checkmate, Captain.” 

“Fuck.” 

It was a small victory, but one I found myself relishing. 

**** 

I was in the transporter room with the transporter tech when Captain Kirk and his party returned from Narius IV. It had been a successful mission and I judged from his communications with the ship that Kirk was in a very good mood. 

He stepped off the transporter with a blindingly bright smile, his blue eyes blazing. “Spock! Hey.” 

“Captain,” I said with a nod. 

He glanced at his landing party. “Dismissed.” When they had gone, he turned to me. “I need to shower and change, but walk with me?” 

I dutifully followed him out of the transporter room and to the turbolift. His hair was a little messy and his gold uniform just a little askew. In the closed turbolift I could smell the unmistakable scent of perfume mixed with sexual fluids. My jaw clenched and I looked straight ahead. 

When we exited the turbolift and walked toward his quarters, he smiled and spoke to members of the crew. Finally he looked at me. “Sorry. Anyway, I’ll be on the bridge as soon as I clean up a little. Just wanted to say I’ll file a report on Narius IV and send it to your station.  We have new orders so I’ll send you the transmission. Anything interesting happen while I was down there?” 

“No, Captain. Everything was quiet.” 

Kirk nodded. “Okay.” He laid his hand on my arm and gave it a little squeeze and his blue eyes softened. “Thanks, Spock. I’ll see you on the bridge.” He punched in his code and went inside his quarters. 

I stood in the hall outside a moment more staring at the closed door and wondering about this illogical fascination I had for James T. Kirk. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

I knew as soon as the turbolift doors opened and before Ensign Chekov declared, “Keptin on the bridge”, the captain had arrived. My senses seemed illogically attuned to his presence. I did not turn to look at him. I had assumed he would head immediately to his captain chair as he most often did.

But then my neck prickled just before his hand touched my shoulder briefly.

“Hey, Spock.” He leaned against my console completely violating my personal space. If it had been anyone else I would have said something or put distance between us, but with him…I did not.

Fascinating.

“Captain?”

This time he gave me just a little lift of the corners of his mouth. “Look, um, earlier, when I came back from Narsius—”

“Narius, Captain.”

He tilted his head and frowned. “Oh. Right. Anyway, I’m sorry.”

I lifted a brow, uncertain just what he was apologizing for.

He didn’t seem inclined to elaborate and instead squeezed my shoulder and offered me his professional captain smile. “I want you with me on Gamma Triangulous VI. We’ll give Scotty the con. You read the mission report?”

I tried not to be affronted at the question. “Yes, Captain.”

“So then you know a supply ship reported strange readings from the planet and Starfleet wants us to check them out.”

“Of course.”

He nodded. “I want you, Bones, Chekov, Yeoman…um, what’s her name? The tall blonde one in the science department who wears too much eye makeup.”

“Yeoman Langley, sir.”

“Yeah, her. And four security officers.”

I was a little surprised at the size of the landing party, but decided not to question the captain. Perhaps he had begun to take his safety more seriously after recent events. “We’ll need to beam down in two groups, Captain.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. All right, I guess that’s it for now.” Yet he didn’t move. In fact he seemed reluctant to step away from my station.  
“Was there something else?” I asked when he still hadn’t moved.

“No. Thank you, Mr. Spock.” And then he did move away and go to his captain’s chair and my gaze followed him there. I watched as he spoke and joked with Sulu and Chekov and after a moment, I forced myself to look away, but my gaze briefly landed on Nyota at her station and she was looking at me and frowning.

****

I was among the first group to beam down to Gamma Triangulous VI. It was the captain, Ensign Chekov, Yeoman Langley, myself, Ensign Meyers and Lieutenant Mallory.

The planet, which had a bright orange sky, was covered in flora and fauna and I removed my tricorder to examine it as the captain stood nearby waiting for the others to beam down.

Dr. McCoy and Lieutenants Williams and Rafferty arrived seconds later.

McCoy looked around with a big smile. “This place is beautiful, Jim.’

Kirk gave him what I had decided was his affectionate smile reserved for only McCoy. It did not bother me, of course, that he had a specific smile for the doctor. “It is pretty. Smells good too.”

I crouched down to examine the soil.

“It’s practically paradise,” the doctor continued in his usual overly emotional way. “Or the Garden of Eden maybe.”

“The Garden of Eden?” Chekov spoke up. “That vas just outside Moscow.”

The captain rolled his eyes. “Of course it was. Spock?”

I stood. “The soil is well-suited for efficacious husbandry.”

He smirked. “Are you certain, Mr. Spock?”

“Indeed, Captain. And the average temperature for the planet is seventy-six degrees Fahrenheit.”

“Paradise,” McCoy declared again.

“All right, let’s get moving,” the captain said. “There should be a village that way. Starfleet wants us to check on the natives, but no contact.”

Ensign Meyers scrunched his face up as he stared at a nearby flower. “Captain, you should see this flower. It’s moving.”

The captain turned toward him. “Meyers be careful.”

The flower shot out spores that hit Ensign Meyers in the chest. “Captain—”

Kirk rushed to him as did McCoy. Meyers was turned over as McCoy ran his medical tricorder over him.

“He’s dead, Jim.”

The captain looked grim. “So much for paradise.” he stood and flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty?”

“Scott here, Captain.”

“Meyers is dead. Stand by to beam up the body.”

“Aye, sir. I’m sorry about Meyers. He was a good lad.” Scott paused. “Captain, we’re having a wee bit of a problem up here.”

Kirk glanced toward me. “Problem? What’s going on?”

“Something’s affecting the potency in our anti-matter pods.”

“What?’ he asked.

“We’re not sure yet, Captain. We’re investigating it but it seems to be some sort of electric field coming from Gamma Triangulous VI.”

“Okay, we’ll see what we can find out here. Stay on it and keep me posted. Kirk out.”

I came to stand beside the captain. “Captain, I am detecting subsurface vibrations. “

“Anything to do with what’s happening to the ship?”

“Possibly. They seem to be of artificial origin.”

He frowned. “Machine?”

I nodded.

“Probably accounts for the unusual readings the supply ship got. Mallory, Rafferty?”

“Aye, Captain?” Mallory said.

“I want you to go ahead and see what you can find out and report back to me. And be careful. We don’t want to disturb the natives if we can avoid it.”

“Yes, sir.”

The captain moved off to say something to McCoy. I took out my tricorder again, but continued to watch him for signs of distress. He appeared outwardly to be calm but his bright blue eyes had dimmed just a little with his concern.

I was about to turn away when I noticed the same sort of flower that had killed Ensign Meyers turn and point itself toward the captain.

“Jim!” I ran toward him and pushed him out of the way of the flower’s spores just as they shot into my chest.

I came around to the sound of the captain’s voice. “Is he alive?”

“Yes,” the doctor said. “But we really should get him back to the ship.”

“Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty, we’re beaming up. Spock’s been injured.”

“Sorry, Captain. Transporter’s non-functional.”

“What?” The captain’s voice went up an octave.

“I was just about to notify you, Captain. The situations getting worse. We’re losing power fast. We’ve had to switch to Impulse power.”

“Fix it, Mr. Scott. Kirk out.”

I struggled to sit up.

“Spock’s coming around, Jim.”

The captain crouched next to me and touched my arm. “You okay?”

“Yes, Captain. Dr. McCoy’s hypospray has turned my stomach, but otherwise I am well.”

He smiled a little, but his blue eyes were still filled with concern. “What the hell, Spock?”

“You did not seem to be aware of the plant turning toward you.”

“Fine, but why didn’t you just tell me? I can just get out of the way, you know?”

I nodded. “Yes, Captain.”

He blew out a breath. “Do you know how important you are to m—to Starfleet?”

“It was not intentional. I was too slow to move out of the way.”

He stood and helped me rise. “Don’t do it again. I’ve already lost one man today. I don’t want to lose anyone else.” The captain looked over to where Chekov and Yeoman Langley stood. They were standing very close and whispering as they looked into each other’s eyes. He made an exasperated sound. “You two, can you keep your hands off each other long enough to concentrate on doing your damn jobs?”

They both flushed and hurriedly parted, taking out their instruments.

His communicator beeped again. “Kirk here.”

“Scott here, Captain. We’re caught in some sort of tractor beam.”

“What? How the fuck—”

”Coming from the planet, Captain. It’s pulling us down.”

“Scotty get my ship out of there.”

“We’re working on it, sir. But right now it’s tearing the ship apart. If we can’t get away we’ll burn up within six hours.”

His jaw clenched and a muscle jumped in his cheek. “Scotty, you’re the best engineer there is. If you can’t get my ship out of there, you’re fired.”

“Aye, Captain. Scott out.”

The captain grimaced and then shook his head. He stared at me. “This is my fault.”

“Captain—”

“We should have returned to the ship at the first sign of trouble. I’ve lost a man, you were injured, the ship’s in trouble.”

“Starfleet wanted you to investigate,” I reminded him. I did not like to see him distressed.

“This wasn’t that important a mission, Spock.”

“Captain, you couldn’t have known about the plant or the ship. You were following orders.”

“Fuck that. I could have overruled the orders if I thought there were unnecessary risks.”

“Jim, self-recrimination will do you no good. You did nothing wrong.” As I spoke the sky above suddenly began to fill with clouds at an amazing speed.

“What the fuck?” he asked just as lightening began to fill the sky.

“I think we should attempt to find shelter, Captain,” I said, reaching for his arm. I closed my fingers around his forearm and pulled him away from the spot where we stood toward a cave I had seen earlier just as lightening struck where he had been standing moments before.

“Take cover,” the captain said to the others.

A particularly large bolt shot down and struck Lieutenant Williams and he vanished. Where he once stood there was only a scorch mark. As sudden as they arrived the clouds moved out again and the sky was once more a bright orange.

Mallory and Rafferty ran back to where we stood.

Kirk pulled away from my grip and addressed the remainder of the party. “Two men are dead. I want answers.”

****

“You think that’s the thing interfering with the ship?” the captain asked me as we crouched down and watched blonde haired natives approach a big stone head with glowing eyes.

“Affirmative, Captain. The energy source and the vibrations are coming from it.”

“They seem to be feeding it energy,” he whispered as the natives dropped items into the stone creature. “Do you think if we stop them it will weaken it?”

“Difficult to say.”

He nodded, his blue eyes practically glowing. “The hell with the Prime Directive. I’m stopping this now.”

“Captain—“

But he was already on his feet and striding toward the stone creature and the natives. He got within a few feet of it and hit a force field which threw him to the ground.

Dr. McCoy and I rushed toward the captain.

He was shaking his head. “Okay, that fucking hurt.”

“Next time, Jim, maybe you’ll use a little more caution,” the doctor said, scanning him.

He scowled and ordered the other members of the party. “Stop those natives. Put them in one of the huts or something but keep them away from that thing.” McCoy jabbed him with a hypospray. “Damn it, Bones. That hurt.”’

“That’ll teach you.”

We helped him to stand.

“Are you seriously injured, Captain?” I asked when I saw him wince.

“No. Well. It fucking hurt. I mean really hurt.” Then he shot me his, ‘but I’m invincible’ smile. “I’ll be okay.”  
We watched as the natives cried and pleaded to be able to feed the stone creature, but Chekov, Mallory and Rafferty escorted them to the nearby village.

Kirk flipped open his communicator. “Scotty? Have you got phaser power?”

“Aye, Captain.”

“I want you to fire at this thing down here. I think that’s what’s grabbed my ship. Stand by for coordinates. Spock?”

I sent the coordinates up to the Enterprise.

“Okay, fire Scotty, and keep firing until I tell you to stop.”

The Enterprise fired down at it for several long minutes until finally the glowing eyes faded and winked out.

“Cease fire, Scotty,” the captain ordered.

I stared down at my tricorder. “The machine is dead, Captain.”

“Scotty?”

“We’re away, Captain. And power’s already being restored. The anti-matter pods are returning to normal. We should be able to beam you up in about an hour.”

He smiled. “I guess you aren’t fired after all, Mr. Scott. Kirk out.”

****

“Are you feeling all right, Captain?” I inquired later while we played chess in the rec room.

He nodded. “Just a little distracted, Mr. Spock.”

“What occupies your thoughts?”

“Meyers and Williams,” he admitted. “I knew Meyers at the Academy. And Williams…did you know his father served with my father?”

“I did not.”

He looked suddenly very sad. I wished to offer him comfort but was not certain how to do so.

‘Yeah,” he said softly. “I hate losing people. It’s hard anyway, you know? But the longer everyone’s here, the longer I’m captain, I get to know them, and then suddenly they’re gone. Because of me. I hate that.”

“Everyone is aware of the risks when they enlist in Starfleet.”

“I guess.” He moved his piece. “Checkmate.”

I stared at the chessboard. Perhaps the captain hadn’t been the only one distracted by something.

“Rematch?” he asked with the little upturned at the corners smile.

“That would be agreeable.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Away misson is based on original series episode, The Apple


	3. Chapter 3

 

Meditation was not helping my illogical…infatuation with James T. Kirk. 

I had acknowledged that it had become more than a mere fascination two point three days after we returned from Gamma Triangulous VI. There was no particular incident that made me realize it was more than mere fascination, but my thoughts seemed centered on the captain even when he was not in close proximity to me. 

I had thought meditating might help clarify this new reaction, but it had not. The moment I had come out of meditation I had wondered what the captain was doing. I could not recall ever wondering about the whereabouts and activities of another when they were not with me. 

My fingers had briefly hovered over the control for the computer to ask it where he was when I recalled myself from doing so. I would not give into this…whatever this was. 

I stepped away from my desk, tugged down my blue uniform shirt, and exited my quarters. Only to face Nyota only a few steps away. 

“Spock, just who I was looking for.” 

“Nyota, I am due on the bridge.” 

She smiled knowingly. “Not for fifteen more minutes. Can we talk, please?” She glanced at the door of my quarters. “Privately.” 

I could hardly explain my reluctance, perhaps even to myself. We entered my quarters and she clasped her hands in front of her. 

“What’s going on with you? With us?” 

“Nyota—” 

“Don’t tell me there is nothing! Spock, you and I—we hardly spend any time together anymore. You are always finding excuses. We used to be so close and now-” 

“Now?” 

She narrowed her eyes. “Most of the time you prefer other company.” 

This was the direction I did not wish to go in. 

“I do not prefer the company of others over yours.” 

“So now you’re lying to me?” She shook her head. “Vulcans don’t lie, right? The time you used to spend with me you are now spending with Kirk.” 

“He is the captain. It is natural for the first officer to spend time with the captain.” 

Nyota snorted. “Please. You know I am smarter than that. You can’t keep your eyes off him, Spock.” 

“That is…that is not logical.” 

“Of course it isn’t  _logical_ , but it’s true. “ She folded her arms across her chest. “I just don’t understand why. Before you couldn’t even stand him. I mean I know things are better than when Vulcan was destroyed and I know you want to be friends with him, but there’s something more.” 

I wasn’t sure what to say to her because everything she said was essentially accurate. 

“Spock,” she said, her voice softening. “It’s been a long time since you and I’ve made love. You’re not even showing an interest. We’ve been through so much I thought we could face anything.” 

“And now?” I asked. 

Nyota sighed. “Now I am wondering if we shouldn’t take a break.” 

“A break?” 

“Yes. Try to be just friends for a while, Spock.” She smiled sadly. “If, after a while, you want to be more, we can talk about it.” She leaned up and kissed my cheek. “I am your friend, though, so if there’s anything you want to talk about, anything at all, I’m here. Okay?” 

“Yes, Nyota.” 

“See you on the bridge, Commander.” 

**** 

The captain was already on the bridge when I arrived and I immediately knew he was in a negative mood. He did not extend to me his usual greeting but instead nodded and went back to reading his PADD. No smile, just the nod. 

The bridge crew were tense and silent, occasionally looking toward the captain for answers or reassurance I was not certain. If he noticed their looks he did not acknowledge them.  A yeoman approached him with a PADD very cautiously as though she feared he would snap at her. 

“Captain?” she asked, standing several feet away from him. 

He didn’t glance up. “Yes, Yeoman?” 

She cleared her throat. “I need your signature on this report, sir.” 

The captain reached for it but still did not look away from the PADD he already held. She handed it to him and his gaze raked over it. He signed it and handed it back to her and she scurried away looking relieved not to have his focused attention. 

I did not interrupt him for one point two hours, but determined at that point I should attempt to ascertain what troubled him. For once I wished Dr. McCoy would come to the bridge and engage the captain in one of his usual emotion conversations but that did not appear to be happening in the immediate future and I was becoming slightly concerned. 

I stood, tugged down my uniform shirt, and approached the captain. He had put down the PADD he had been staring at and was now staring straight ahead at the view screen. At my approach, he glanced at me. 

“Captain?” 

“Hey.” His usually bright blue eyes were dimmed with unmistakable sadness, perhaps even pain. My alarm level heightened. 

“Are you well?” I asked. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He smiled but it was weak, a watery version of the dazzling smile he usually wore. “I think I am going to step away for a bit, though.” 

And he stood up, patted my shoulder as he went by, and left the bridge. 

**** 

 I found him later on the observation deck unmoving and looking out at space. I’d used the computer this time to locate him. 

At first I was not even certain he had noticed my presence as I came to stand beside him. His gaze did not stray from space.  

“Have I been gone too long from the bridge?” he asked me, his voice whisper soft. 

“No.” 

He sighed. “Sometimes I think I’m not right for this.” 

“Captain?” 

He laughed a little. “Yeah, actually. I mean, really, I thought I’d be an officer some day. Okay pretty quickly, but  _captain_?” 

I watched his face, his eyes. It was difficult not to when I was with him. I did not wish to analyze this too closely. “I find that difficult to believe, Captain. You not wish to be captain?” 

This time he did smile, but I couldn’t determine the exact meaning behind this particular smile. I did find it quite appealing. 

“All right, you got me there, Spock. Being captain of a starship is pretty awesome. It’s like…it was meant to be.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess what I mean is sometimes I wonder…am I making the right decision? What if I’m wrong?” 

I contemplated his words. “You can only make decisions based on the available information at any given time. No one can see into the future, Jim. But based on my interactions with you as your first officer, you are an excellent commanding officer. “ 

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.” 

“There is no need to thank me, Captain. At this point in my Starfleet career I would not wish to serve as first officer under any other captain.” And I realized with some surprise it was true. 

He turned to look at me face to face for the first time since I had found him there and the light was back in his brilliant blue eyes. “Yeah? I wouldn’t want any other first officer either.” 

“You were troubled. May I inquire as to the reason?” 

The captain sighed but the sadness and pain seemed to be gone. “Thinking too much about Meyers and Williams I guess. I had to notify their families. I hate that particular duty. And then I received a message from my mother. She knows how to push certain buttons of mine. It got me wondering what the hell I’m doing. Men and women’s lives are in my hands. I have to decide every day, basically, whether they live or die. When I thought about being captain, I guess I just never really thought about that part.” 

“You feel burdened.” 

“Sort of. I don’t really like that word…burdened. But I guess it’s as accurate as any.” His gaze searched mine. “And you know what’s the worst thing? Knowing that I sometimes have to give orders that endanger even the people I care about most.” 

“We all knew the risks, Captain.” 

“Do we? Really?” He shook his head. “Yeah, they tell you that you can die, but isn’t there some part of all of us that thinks,  _it won’t happen to me_? I send Bones and you and Chekov and all the others on away missions all the time. If something happens to any of you, I have to live with that. It’s the only part of this job I really hate, Spock. And I hate it so much.” 

“Jim.” I found myself once more wanting to offer him comfort but I did not know what would comfort him. This was a side he did not show to his crew and I felt proud to be the one he could talk to about this. 

He shook his head. “I know. There’s nothing I can do about it. It is what it is.” He glanced at the window and space again. “We have new orders. There’s a mining colony asking for Starfleet’s assistance with an unknown life form interfering with their operations.” 

I nodded. “I’ll have Ensign Chekov lay in a course.”

The captain laid his hand on my forearm and petted it lightly for a few seconds and then removed his hand. “Thanks, Spock. I’ll be back on the bridge shortly.” 

“Aye, Captain.” My arm still felt warm where he’d stroked it. I surprised myself by feeling regret that his touch had been so brief.


	4. Chapter 4

 

The captain, I, and two security officers, Owens and Stetson, beamed down to the mining community on Janus IV. We were greeted by the head of the mine, Perkins. 

“I’m Captain Kirk, this is my first officer, Commander Spock, and Ensigns Owens and Stetson,” the captain said. 

“We’re really glad to have you here, Captain. Everyone’s on edge with the creature roaming the mines attacking my men,” Perkins said. He was a man of some fifty years wearing gray overalls. 

“Creature?” Kirk asked. “So you have seen it?” 

“From a distance,” Perkins said. “After losing ten of my men I’ve ordered everyone to stay clear of the tunnels. Why don’t you follow me to my office where I’ll show you the maps of the tunnels?” 

“Owens, Stetson, you two stay here. We’ll be back.” The captain touched my arm to indicate I should precede him. 

I’d noticed of late the captain touched me in some capacity constantly. It came to my attention because I did not see him touching other members of his crew in quite the way he did me. I was becoming more accepting of this and had begun to anticipate being touched by him. I supposed it had something to do with my infatuation. 

The captain walked up to the map tacked to the way. Perkins pointed to red circles. “These are the areas the creature has been known to be. The ones with an x are where members of my team were killed by it.” 

He tilted his head to the right and then the left and his tongue poked out just a little. I recognized this as his thinking look. “Have you or any of your men been able to fire a weapon at it?” 

“Yes, but it doesn’t seem to have any impact. It’s immune to our phasers.” Perkins removed a phaser from his belt and handed it to the captain. “We have fairly old phasers. When I contacted Starfleet they advised yours would be more advanced.” 

Kirk studied the phaser and then handed it back to Perkins. “Yes, I’ll see what I can do about getting you better phasers. Or at least upgrades to your existing ones.” He turned from the map and his gaze fell to a blue cylindrical object on a nearby table. “Perkins, what is that?” 

Perkins shrugged. “My men find them in the cave. They are nice to look at so some of us collect them. They come in the blue as well as a green and a gold.” 

“Spock?” 

I approached the object and took out my tricorder. I then picked it up. It was surprisingly light. “Captain, may I have a word with you in private?” 

The captain looked vaguely surprised but nodded. “If you’ll excuse us, I‘ll be right back.” We stepped just outside the mining office. His gaze searched mine. “What is it?” 

“I do not know for certain, Captain, but I believe these objects the miners have been collecting are the creature’s eggs.” 

He frowned. “Oh, crap. “ And then almost as though he did not even know he was doing it, the captain put his hand on my upper arm. “If that’s true it’s no wonder this thing is attacking his men. 

Before when a human touched me without permission, I would carefully step away or disengage their hand, but I found myself stepping closer into the captain’s space. A most illogical reaction. 

I nodded. “Yes, Captain, if the creature believes it is protecting her offspring the actions of the creature takes on more meaning.” 

He sighed, his breath coming out in cool puffs. “Though perhaps more understandable we can’t ignore the loss of ten men’s lives. “ 

“No, Captain.” 

“All right, I’ll talk to Perkins. You go back to Owens and Stetson and see if you can find any sign of the creature, whatever it is. And don’t get too close. I don’t want to worry about you.” He stared at me for a moment longer and then squeezed my arm before letting go.  “Report back to me in thirty minutes.” 

**** 

“Spock to Captain Kirk.” 

“Kirk here. Everything okay?’’ 

“We have seen no sign of the creature, Captain. Owens and Stetson are investigating a tunnel to my right. Are you with Mr. Perkins?” I asked as I stopped to look down an as yet unexplored tunnel. 

“No, we got separated,” he said. “He was taking me into the tunnels to the left of his office, but then got called away. I’m exploring by myself.” 

I straightened and frowned. “Do you think that is wise?” 

He laughed. “I’m fine, Spock. I’m not incapable of taking care of myself.” 

“The creature is known to be danger and has killed ten men,” I reminded him. 

“I’m being careful.” 

I tried not to give into the uneasy feeling. “I’ll come to where you are, Captain.” 

“Spock.” 

“Captain, these tunnels have complicated turns. You could easily become lost and disoriented.” I said beginning to make my way in the direction of where the mining office was located. 

“I have a map,” he said in what I knew to be his stubborn voice. I had discovered in my short acquaintance with James Kirk he would not give up…ever. Broken, battered, stunned by phasers, wounded, whatever it was, he would fight with his last breath. It was something I both admired and dreaded about him. 

“Nevertheless, I am coming over to your side of the caverns, Captain.” 

“All right, have it your way. You know--” And then there was a loud rumbling and the sound of falling rock. 

“Captain?” 

No answer. 

“Captain!” I started running but there was still no response. Sudden fear gripped me. “Jim? Jim!” 

Coughing. 

“I’m all right, Spock,” his voice came over the communicator and I could breathe again. 

“What happened?” 

He coughed again. “A cave-in. It’s all closed off with rocks the size of my head. Can’t get out that way.” 

“I’ll phaser you out, Captain. I would suggest you stay where you are rather than continue into additional tunnels.” 

“Yeah, okay.” 

I took out my tricorder as I made my way to his location. “Captain, I’m getting unusual readings.” 

“Hmm?” 

“I think the creature is nearby,” I told him. There was a long pause. I frowned. “Captain?” 

“You are correct, Mr. Spock.” He sounded vaguely amused. 

“Captain?” I said again. 

“The creature is nearby,” the captain said. “In fact, it’s just a few feet away from  me.” 

The fear I’d felt earlier returned. “Kill it, Captain. Quickly.” 

“It’s not making any aggressive moves, Spock.” 

“You can’t take any chances with your life, Jim.” 

“I don’t think it means me any harm,” he said. “I’ve never seen a creature like it. Maybe we could study it. I’m surprised at you, Spock. You’re the science officer. The chance to research an unknown species of life form? ” 

“Your life is more important,” I insisted. 

He laughed. “I’m touched, really. But I don’t think it’s going to harm me.” 

I began to feel a bit frustrated with his stubbornness, but I knew he would not be swayed. I contacted Owens and Stetson and ordered them to the captain’s location to assist with removing him from the cave-in. 

It took an hour to remove the rocks, and when we hurried in, Captain Kirk was merely sitting on a large boulder gazing at a creature across from him that was rather a blob of red and rock. It backed up a little when it saw us. 

“Don’t harm it,” he said sharply when the security officers pointed phasers at it. “Weapons down.” They lowered their weapons. “Spock?” 

“Captain?” 

“You know that mind-meld thing Vulcans do?” 

I lifted an eyebrow. “Yes, I am familiar with it.” 

He grinned, and I recognized this as his _‘I’m pleased with myself’_ smile.  “Do you think you can do it with the creature?” 

I blinked. “Sir?” 

He waved his hand. “You know, tell it we mean it no harm, we’re sorry the miners stole its eggs. That kind of thing. You can do that, can’t you?” 

“I do not know.” I eyed the creature. The idea was intriguing. Cautiously I approached the creature. It backed up a little. 

“Hey,” the captain said in a soft voice. “It’s all right. He won’t harm you.” 

I wondered just how friendly he was with the creature when it stayed where it was at his words and let me crouch next to it. I spread my hand out and touched it. It felt very similar to very warm rocks. 

“My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.” 

****

“So, the reason the Horta was attacking your men was because you took her eggs,” the captain told Perkins some time later in the mining office. 

“We had no idea they were her eggs. They looked like pretty rocks to us,” Perkins admitted. 

“Spock was able to convince her of the mistake and it wouldn’t be repeated. If you won’t bother her or her eggs, she won’t bother your men or your operations here.” 

“But eventually those things will hatch and then we’ll have a bunch of those things roaming the tunnels,” Perkins protested. 

Kirk stared at him with his captain’s face. “Yes. The Horta are peaceful, Perkins. As long as you don’t go around shooting them with phasers and stealing their eggs. Starfleet is very interested in undiscovered species.” 

“Yes, but—” 

“I would like to be able to tell Starfleet you were cooperative, Perkins,” the captain said evenly. “It would be a shame to have to shut down these mines.” 

Perkins face fell. “Very well, Captain. We’ll work around the Hortas.” 

“Good man.” The captain turned to me. “Spock, I think our work is done here.” 

“Indeed, Captain.” 

“Kirk to Enterprise. Four to beam up.” 

When we beamed back aboard the Enterprise the captain was all smiles. I knew he was happy with the way the mission had turned out on Janus IV and that he had not lost any crew members. We exited the transporter room walking side by side. 

“Did the Horta have anything especially interesting to say, Mr. Spock?” 

“She was a remarkably intelligent creature, Captain. “ 

“Yeah?” 

”She found humans to be physically repulsive.” 

He stopped walking and turned to me. “She did?” 

I nodded. “But she did find my ears attractive.” 

The captain smirked. “I see.” 

I straightened. “She found them to be most the attractive feature, but I did not have the heart to tell her that they were not a usual feature.” 

He laughed. “Well, she has good taste anyway.” He turned to continue walking and then smiled his dazzling flirtatious smile. I followed his gaze to Carol Marcus at the end of the corridor. “I’ll catch you later, okay?” He patted my arm, and then hurried toward her. “Carol, hey.” 

And this time as I watched the captain I recognized the emotion I was feeling…heartache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the episode this was based on was Devil in the Dark


	5. Chapter 5

 

I stood outside the captain’s quarters wondering about the wisdom of what I was about to do. Our previous chess games had been in the rec room which had always been crowded with crew members. But after our last game the captain had informed me he had his own chess set and had suggested we play in the privacy of his quarters. 

I had been meditating more as well as trying to will myself, logically, to set aside this infatuation I felt for the captain. It was unhealthy and quite clearly unrequited. Agreeing to spend additional time with him seemed to be the worst idea. But when he had asked I could not refuse. I did not want to refuse. 

After pressing the button outside his quarters, I waited for the door to open to admit me. He was seated behind his desk on the terminal when I entered. 

“Captain.”

His gaze flicked to me briefly before returning to the terminal. “Just one second.” 

I stood waiting, my hands locked behind my back, while I watched him. He’d removed his gold uniform shirt but still wore the black undershirt. There was just a trace of dark circles under his eyes, but I was aware he suffered from insomnia. The circles did little to impact his attractiveness. With him concentrating on the terminal I was able to look my fill of his aesthetically pleasing face. In all my interactions with humans, including Nyota, I had never felt such a strong interest before. It was puzzling. 

Finally he turned from the terminal and rose from behind his desk. I noticed he still wore his uniform pants but had removed his boots to stand barefoot before me. “Sorry about that. Had to get a report to Admiral Jenkins. Let me get the chess board. Can you get us drinks? I’m guessing you want that nasty looking tea I always see you drinking.” 

I stepped over to the replicator. “Have you tried it, Captain?” 

“No.” 

“Perhaps you would like to try it this evening. It may even assist you in finding rest.” 

He shrugged as he crouched down next to his bed. “Okay, I guess I can give it a shot.” 

I brought over two cups of tea to the desk as he began to set up the chess set. “You can always choose something else if this is not to your liking.” 

He sat behind his desk and I sat across from him. “Thanks, Spock, for agreeing to play here.” 

“It is of no matter, Captain. I was surprised at the request though.” 

“Hmm. You know, the thing of it is, around the ship even off duty, on starbases, hell even on shore leave, I’m _always_ on _._ I’m _Captain_ Kirk. I can never just be me. Not when other people are around anyway. In the rec room, sure, we’re all relaxed, but they all still see me as _Captain_ Kirk. And while I love being the captain and the Enterprise and all her crew, sometimes, I need it to be just be me, and with you…I feel like I can be.” He shrugged. “Probably doesn’t make sense to you.” 

I shook my head. “You are wrong. It makes perfect sense to me.” And I was glad he felt he could be himself with me. It was one more aspect of our deepening friendship. Which I could admit I had begun to anticipate with relish. I wanted this epic friendship my counterpart had hinted at after the Narada. 

He smiled and his blue eyes were particularly luminous. “Good. I’m glad you get it.” He reached for the tea and took a sip and immediately made a face. 

“You dislike it?” 

“Not exactly.” He laughed. I wished to hear his laughter more. “It’s different. I guess maybe I need to get used to it. I’ll keep trying.” He took another sip. Laughed again. “And keep trying.” 

“You do not have to drink it if you find it distasteful.” 

“I like to keep an open mind. There are a lot of things you might not care for at first but the more you know of them the more you end up loving them.” He dropped his gaze. “Anyway, shall we begin? I’ll go first.” 

Recalling that he often played some sort of card game with Dr. McCoy on this night of the week, I asked, “Was the doctor unavailable tonight?” 

He frowned. “No, why?” 

“I have noticed you have a usual night for card games with the doctor and I assumed that this was the night. Is it not?” I watched as he moved his first pawn. 

“Nah, I told him I was playing chess with you. He was fine with it. Wanted to read some boring medical journal anyway so this gave him the chance.” He sipped the tea again. “Hey, Spock.” 

“Yes, Captain?” 

“How come you didn’t tell me that you and Uhura aren’t together anymore?” 

I paused with my hand on my pawn. I merely stared at him. 

He flushed red. “Well, I guess you thought it wasn’t my business, huh? Sorry.” 

“That is not it, Jim. The ending of our relationship was a recent event. And I am not completely familiar with the human need to discuss such occurrences with friends. “ 

The captain looked confused for a minute and then grinned. “Oh. So you didn't know that was something you share with your buddies? Got it. Well, okay, so this is the part where I, as your friend, are supposed to tell you that you are better off without her or that it’s her loss. Or even ask you what happened. But I’m not going to do that.” 

“No?” 

“All I care about is how you are.” He smiled, soft and gentle. “Just…are you okay, Spock?” 

For a moment I did not know what to say to his concern which I knew instantly was genuine.  Finally I found my voice. “I am well.” 

He sipped the tea again without making a face. “Good. And if that changes, tell me. All right?”

“Yes. It is your move.” 

The captain surveyed the game and then moved his knight.  “My mother contacted me again.” 

“She is concerned for you?” 

“No. Not that.” 

“Yet is this not the second time recently she has contacted you?” 

“Yeah,” he acknowledged. “She claims to want to see me if I get anywhere near Starbase 7. Which means I’ll do my best to avoid _that_.” 

“You do not wish to see her. Your relationship with her is acrimonious?” I took his knight. 

“You could say that.” He shrugged. “She didn't like me much.” 

“What did she have against you?” 

He looked pensive. “My birth? My resemblance to my father? I don’t really know, Spock. Most of the time we didn't even see each other. And my stepfather was a dick to put it mildly.” 

There was sadness, an almost imperceptible pain, in his gaze, but he was working hard to mask it. “My own mother could not have been more supportive,” I said softly, feeling the sorrow of her loss. “I sometimes forget that others are not so fortunate.” 

“And I sometimes forget what an insensitive ass I can be,” the captain said, giving me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Spock. Talking about my mother when yours…I’m sorry.” 

“I would not wish for you to sensor yourself on my behalf, Jim. I regret the loss of my mother, but that does not prevent me from listening to you when you speak of yours.” 

He smiled his mysterious soft smile I had not quite figured out yet. But I had noticed he usually only smiled like that with me. Intriguing.  “Thanks, Spock.” 

“Checkmate, Jim.” 

The captain laughed. “Fuck.” 

**** 

A week later the captain’s touching of my person became almost unbearable to me. They were both illogically addictive and nearly painful to me. I craved them but dreaded them. I wanted his hands all over me, but wanted him to stop touching me. I did not like this paradox. 

It put me on edge. Something I was not used to and which I did not like at all. And it seemed like his touches and their duration were increasing. I concluded that this was why there were affecting me more. 

“Keptin on the bridge!” Ensign Chekov announced as the turbolift opened and closed. 

My shoulders tightened with tension. Lately whenever the captain entered the bridge he came first to my station before taking his seat in the captain’s chair. I both wanted him to and did not want him to. Where was the logic in this? It confounded me. 

His footsteps approached and I found myself holding my breath as I turned toward him.  And then his hand, his long warm fingers squeezing, was on my shoulder sending such awareness through me my heart constricted. 

“Hey, Sp—” 

“ _Stop_ touching me,” I said before I could stop the words from coming out.   

If I had not been looking very closely I would have missed the pure agony in his eyes that winked by in a flash. But the mask was up in seconds and he stepped back. 

“Oh.” He gave me his _fake_ smile. I had seen it directed at others before but I had never seen him aim it at me and I immediately realized the extreme error I had made. “Sorry. I wasn't thinking. It didn't occur to me that touching you would bother you, Spock.  I can be pretty clueless sometimes. I hope you will forgive me for my lapse in judgment. It won’t happen again.” 

“Captain, it is not—” 

But the fake smile was firmly in place and my heart squeezed in my side. “Hey, no worries. I’m really sorry, again.” 

Then he moved off to his captain’s chair and I felt bereft. I caught the glance of Nyota and read the concern there.   

“Status report,” Kirk said, his voice as calm and cool as usual. 

“Just received a communication from Starfleet, Captain,” Nyota said.  “They've lost contact with the Defiant in the Gamma Quadrant. They want us to go investigate it.” 

“Mr. Chekov, lay in a course.” 

“Aye, Keptin.” 

“Ahead warp factor six, Mr. Sulu.” 

“Warp six, acknowledged.” 

During any shift or mission, the captain generally glanced in my direction a few times, sometimes to ask me questions or get my reaction to something, but other times he seemed to just want to see if I was still at my station. He did not look once at me as we made our way to the Gamma Quadrant.   

As we got closer, Dr. McCoy entered the bridge and came to stand to the right of the captain blocking most of my view of him. I did not appreciate this action though I was aware it was not done specifically to shield Kirk from me. 

“What’s going on, Jim?” McCoy asked. 

“The Defiant’s not responding to hails.” 

McCoy frowned. “I know the CMO on the Defiant. Man named Masters. Good man.” 

The captain turned his chair toward Nyota. “When was the last time they had contact with the Defiant, Lieutenant?” 

“Twelve hours ago, Captain.” 

He fell silent as we approached the Gamma Quadrant and the last known position of the Defiant.  The bridge was quiet and tense and I was not certain if it was from the seriousness of the mission or the mood of the captain. 

“Captain,” Sulu announced. “I have the Defiant.” 

“On Screen,” he ordered. 

The screen changed to show the Defiant sitting in space. 

“Uhura?” 

“I've been hailing them, sir. No answer.” 

“We’re going on that ship,” the captain said. 

“Do you think that’s wise, Jim? We don’t know anything about it,” McCoy said. 

I stood up and approached. “Captain, I am forced to agree with the doctor.” 

“That ship’s just sitting there. I want answers,” he said, his face grim with determination.  “We’ll wear the bio suits. Bones, Spock, Chekov, you’re with me.” 

****

The crew of the Defiant were dead. Every one of them.  We’d confirmed there were no life signs before we’d beamed on board and now we were faced with the bodies. 

“Bones, did they kill each other?” he asked as he stared down at the body of the captain, a knife stuck in his chest. 

“It appears that way, Jim. I don’t know if  it was some pathogen or exactly what we’re dealing with.” Bones knelt beside the Defiant captain. He went to move the man’s arm when his hand went right through it. “Jim, this man’s disappearing.” 

“What? What the fuck?” 

“Keptin?” Chekov sounded afraid. 

“What is it?” the captain asked. He walked over to where the ensign stood. 

Chekov stood by the navigation system and showed us how his hand went through the console. 

“Spock?” He turned to me. 

“It would appear that whatever happened to the Defiant it is disappearing, Captain. I recommend we return to the Enterprise.” 

He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise.” 

“Scott here.” 

“Scotty we’re beaming back.” 

Static. 

“Scotty?” 

“Captain, there’s a problem.” 

“Shit. Damn. Fuck.” He took a deep breath. “What?” 

“Something’s happening to the power. The instruments are going haywire. The transporter’s functional but barely. I can only beam three of you to start. One will have to wait.” 

The captain was silent for a moment. “Understood. Standby for beam up.” 

I stepped forward. “Captain, I will stay behind while the three of you beam back aboard the Enterprise.” 

“Forget it. I’m staying.” 

“As Captain—” 

“Go stand with Bones and Chekov. _Now_.” His voice was his hard captain’s voice. “Don’t fucking argue with me, Spock.” 

“Jim—” I tried desperately. 

“I’ll be right behind you. This is a direct order, Commander. I’m not going to repeat it again.” 

I straightened and went to stand with McCoy and Chekov. 

“Scotty, energize,” he said. 

We flashed on to the Enterprise once, twice, three times before we fully materialized on the ship.  Mr. Scott was behind the controls. We immediately stepped off the platform. 

“Beam the captain up, Mr. Scott,” I ordered. 

Mr. Scott flipped the switch and nothing happened. My stomach dropped but I tried to control it. Chekov had moved to the wall where there was a screen. He carefully watched the Defiant. 

“Mr. Scott.” 

“I’m trying, Mr. Spock. I can’t get a lock on his signal.” 

“Try harder.” I clenched my fists. 

He flipped the switch and for a second the captain flashed onto the transporter pad and I felt a spark of renewed hope. Then he was gone. 

Mr. Scott frowned, looking extremely worried. “I've lost his signal.” 

“The Defiant has disappeared,” Chekov exclaimed. 

“What?” McCoy exclaimed. “What the hell does that mean? Is Jim gone?” 

_No. Not again. No. Not this. I could not. No._  

“Spock, do something” McCoy yelled.

I could only stare at the view screen where the Defiant had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the events in this chapter as well as the next couple are based on the episode The Tholian Web


	6. Chapter 6

_Captain’s Log Stardate 5693.2, Commander Spock’s Report._

_I have determined that the starship, Defiant, has been affected by a spatial interphase in the Gamma Quadrant Sector. It will eventually break up and disappear altogether but I have determined the Defiant will reappear on our sensors in three point two hours. Our transporter was locked on Captain James T. Kirk at the time of the Defiant’s interdimensional rift so I have theorized when it reappears we should be able to beam him on board the Enterprise._

I finished the log and remained rigid in the captain’s chair replaying the events since the captain had walked onto the bridge only hours ago. From demanding the captain stop touching me to having lost him in space. I could not help but think of my mother who had also been lost in a transporter accident. In that event she had not been recovered. I did not wish to think of the possibility of not recovering Jim.

Before me at the navigator chair I watched as Chekov slammed his fist down on his console.

“Ensign?”

He turned to face me, his face contorted in anger. “I do not vish you as my keptin. I vant Keptin Kirk back.”

“I understand,” I said calmly. I wanted Kirk back also.

“You should have been the one to stay behind!” he continued, enraged. “You killed him!”

“Ensign—”

“Pavel, take it easy,” Sulu said, reaching for him.

Chekov launched himself at me, screaming he was going to kill me like I had killed Captain Kirk. Sulu grabbed the ensign but he seemed to have extra strength. I could hear Nyota calling security.

I freed my arms from under the ensign and neck-pinched him into unconsciousness. I stood as security entered the bridge.

“I’ve never seen him act like that before,” Sulu declared.

“I suspect he is not himself.” I turned to security. “Take him to sickbay.” I hit the comm on the side of the captain’s chair. “Spock to sickbay.”

“McCoy here.”

“Ensign Chekov is being brought to sickbay. I suspect the spatial interphase that affected the Defiant’s crew has affected the ensign.”

“I’d guess the same thing. I already have ten crew members who have been acting crazy. I was about to let you know. My guess is unless we get away from this area the crew of the Enterprise will begin to exhibit the same psychotic tendencies as the Defiant. We need to get away from here, Spock.”

“Not without the captain.”

“Spock, I understand wanting to rescue Jim, but Jim would be the last one who’d want his ship and her crew jeopardized.”

“You may be ready to give up on him, doctor, but I am not. We will wait for the appointed time.”

“It’s not about giving up on him. Damn it, Spock! I care about Jim, too.”

“You worry about your patients, doctor; I will worry about the ship and finding the captain. Spock out.”

“Commander, there is an alien vessel approaching our immediate space,” Sulu advised.

“On screen.”

A small vessel of unknown origin appeared directly in front of us. “Lieutenant Uhura, hail the ship.”

“Hailing frequencies open.”

“This is Commander Spock of the Federation starship, Enterprise. Please identify yourself.”

“This is Commander Loseken of the Tholian Assembly. You are in our quadrant. We demand you return to where you came from.”

“We are attempting to retrieve our captain from an interdimensional rift,” I explained. “We expect to execute the rescue in one point five hours.”

There was silence. And then, “Very well, we will grant you this time. “

“They’ve disconnected communications,” Uhura said.

****

I entered the transporter room just before the appointed time. Mr. Scott met me. He stood behind the transporter while I looked at the view screen waiting for the Defiant to appear.

“Lock on to Captain Kirk’s signal, Mr. Scott.”

“Aye, Mr. Spock.”

The Defiant did not reappear. My stomach twisted with dread. “Mr. Scott, the captain?”

I watched as Mr. Scott shook his head and closed his eyes briefly in defeat. “There’s nothing, Mr. Spock. We’ve lost him. He’s gone.”

I am Vulcan. I will be in control. I am Vulcan. I will be in control.

“When-when the Tholian ship arrived they must have disturbed the position of the Defiant,” I said when I thought I could speak past the strange lump in my throat. “The-Captain Kirk must be declared dead.”

I’d almost choked on the words. How could this be? How could he have been saved from death before and now be gone? Where was the epic friendship we were supposed to have? Why had I told him not to touch me? How was this logical? This could not be how it ended. This was not logical. He would not touch me again. I would not see him again. I had not yet been able to calculate all his different smiles. This. Was. Not. Logical.

The ship shook with a force of a hit.

“Bridge to Commander Spock. The Tholians are firing on us, sir,” Nyota’ s voice came over the comm.

“On my way.” I ran from the transporter room and back to the bridge. “Have you attempted to hail them, Lieutenant?”

“Yes, sir. They are ignoring us,” she said.

“Lock on phasers, Mr. Sulu,” I advised, even as I heard the turbolift open behind me. I had the illogical hope that it would be Captain Kirk, but I knew that it was not.

“Spock,” McCoy said softly, coming up to stand beside me. “Scotty told me Jim’s gone.”

“Not now, doctor,” I said coldly. I would not give into the pain. I could not. I am Vulcan. “Fire phasers, Lieutenant.”

“Firing phasers.”

Sulu fired several phasers in a row disabling the Tholian ship.

McCoy still hovered nearby. He stepped in my direct vision. “Spock, the crew will expect a memorial.”

I shook my head.

He glared, his eyes red and watery. “You’re captain now, Spock. It’s your duty to give the crew a memorial for their dead captain.”

I could not. A memorial would make his death real, something I could not reconcile. Would not. It. Was. Not. Logical.

“Scott to bridge.”

“Spock here.”

“Those blasts from the Tholian ship damaged the engines. She’s drifting toward the rift. We’ve got to do some repairs and then we’ll have to get out of here fast or we’ll have the same fate as the Defiant.”

“How long will it take to complete repairs?”

“Six hours give or take.”

“Spock out. Doctor, have you been working on an antidote for the madness?”

“Yeah, I have, and it’s not complete yet.” McCoy sighed. “Have you been listening to me? Jim’s gone, Spock. We have to do this.”

“Very well. Arrange it.” I turned away from him and he left the bridge.

“Spock, can I see you a moment?” Nyota asked.

I wanted to say no. I did not want to hear what she would say. But I stood from the captain’s chair and followed her into an unoccupied part of the bridge.

“Are you okay?” She touched my arm and I flinched. “No, of course you aren’t. Spock, I’m sorry.”

I merely stared at her unable to speak. Unable to acknowledge anything.

She bit her lip. “Are you-you aren’t emotionally compromised?”

Of course I was. Couldn’t she see that? But there was no one else. I had to face this. Had to get the Enterprise out of danger. It would have been what Jim wanted.

“I am fine,” I said, forcing calm. “I will do what must be done.”

“Kirk meant a lot to you,” Nyota whispered. Her expression said she had just figured that out. How much.

“He was my captain,” I said simply.

“Mr. Spock, there is another Tholian ship approaching.”

I turned from her and hurried back to the captain’s chair. “On screen.”

A much larger Tholian ship touched the disabled ship and then as we watched a thin filament appeared and the ships broke apart in opposite directions and dragged the filament to form some sort of a web pattern. I went to my science station to scan the web.

“What is that, Spock?” Nyota asked.

“An energy field,” I declared. “Designed to trap us and disable us in space. If we are unable to get out of here before they complete this web, we will never see Earth again.”

****

The memorial was over and the crew, many of them crying, left the ship’s chapel where it had taken place. I had been forced to say a few words, which I’d kept stoically to the captain’s short-lived career. Dr. McCoy had spoken about his life and friendship and several admiral qualities of the captain.

I stood to the side, wearing my dress uniform, after it ended watching the exodus of the crew. I still could not acknowledge except in the most logical part of me that this had been for James Kirk. It. Was. Not. Logical.

“Spock, there’s one more thing we need to do,” McCoy said approaching me.

“Doctor, I must return to the bridge to check on the progress of the web and to make arrangements for the ship to get away. And you must find an antidote for the madness that has overcome more and more of the crew. ”

He nodded. “I know. But this won’t take long.”

“Doctor—”

“It’s Jim’s last wish, Spock. He wanted us to do this.”

I reluctantly followed McCoy to the captain’s quarters. I stiffened when we entered. It did not feel right being there without him.

The doctor went around the desk to Jim’s terminal. “Jim wanted us to see a message he recorded for the two of us. He told me about it in case anything happened to him. It was-was after Khan, right after he recovered.”

I forced myself to go around to where the doctor sat. He pushed several buttons and then the captain’s image appeared. It hurt to look at him especially when he smiled.

“Hey, wow. If you two are watching this, I guess…I guess this is it. I didn’t beat the odds this time. I don’t know how I feel about that.” He laughed. “Well I guess it’s fair to say I don’t feel anything. Anyway, however I died, I hope it was with some honor anyway. You guys, you’re as close to me as anyone, both of you. You’re like my family, really. And I—well, I know you two fight a lot…or argue anyway…and I really hope that maybe you can put aside your differences and work together to keep the ship going. Come on. For me.”

And then he smiled his McCoy smile. “Bones, I don’t really need to tell you how I feel. You already know. You’re the best.”

“Spock. “ The captain’s smile changed and became that mysterious smile I had seen directed at me. I struggled to maintain control as I watched him hold up his hand and spread his fingers. “Live long and prosper. Kirk out.”

Silence fell as we both stared at the terminal.

Then McCoy said, “Look, Spock—”

I closed my eyes. “Not now, doctor.”

I barely heard him leave the captain’s quarters. When I thought I could function I stood, tugged down my uniform, and headed for the bridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> parts of this are based on the episode The Tholian Web


	7. Chapter 7

 

“Uhura to the bridge.” 

“Spock here. What is it, Lieutenant?” 

“Spock, I’ve seen him. Oh my God, I saw Kirk.” 

I frowned. “Nyota, you are not making sense.” 

“Can you come here? Just outside his quarters? He’s here!” 

“I will be right there.” I shook my head and hit the comm. “Doctor, meet me outside the captain’s quarters. I believe Lieutenant Uhura has the sickness.” 

I entered the turbolift and made my way to the corridor outside the captain’s quarters. Nyota  was waiting for me and there were tears in her eyes. 

“Nyota?” 

“He’s gone again. He was  _here_ , Spock,” she insisted. “He was wearing the bio suit and it was like he was transparent and floating right in front of me. He was trying to reach out to me, to tell me something.” 

I really wanted it to be true but I knew, logically, it was not possible.  “Nyota, I have sent for Dr. McCoy.” 

“Spock, I am not crazy or sick. I  _saw_  him. He was here. Knowing how much he means to you, do you really think I would tell you I saw him if I didn’t?” 

“I do not believe you would do so intentionally,” I said trying to calm her as I saw she was getting agitated. “But, Nyota, Captain Kirk is dead.”

“No,” she said, looking very stubborn. “I know what I saw.” 

McCoy finally arrived and I almost asked him what took him so long but he immediately approached Nyota. He was smiling as he put an arm around her. “How are you feeling, Lieutenant?” 

She turned a glare on him. “I’m fine, doctor. Are you going to listen to me? I saw Captain Kirk!” 

“Of course. I completely believe you.” He jabbed her with a hypospray and she went limp in his arms. 

I eyed her. “Will she be all right?” 

He nodded. “I’ll keep her sedated along with the others until I complete the antidote.” 

“How close are you to finding one, doctor?” 

“Close. I should have one within a couple of hours.” 

“I must return to the bridge. Keep me updated on your progress.” 

As soon as I was back on the bridge and in the captain’s chair, I said, “Status, Mr. Sulu.” 

“Same as before, Commander. The Tholian’s are still building their web around the Enterprise.” 

“Spock to engineering.” 

“Scott here, Mr. Spock.” 

“The repairs?” 

“They’ll be completed in time. I have my best—what in the world?” 

“Mr. Scott?” 

“Captain!” 

I frowned. “Mr. Scott, report.” 

“Mr. Spock, it’s Captain Kirk!” 

I needed Mr. Scott to remain sane. “Mr. Scott, the repairs—” 

“I see the captain. He’s here. Mr. Spock, the captain is here in engineering.” Silence and then, “He’s gone again.” 

“Are you feeling ill, Mr. Scott?” 

The turbolift opened and Dr. McCoy entered the bridge. 

“No, Mr. Spock. I’m fine. The captain was here. He was transparent and floating, but here.” 

“Another one?” McCoy asked. “There have been reports of Jim all around the ship, Spock.” He shook his head. “I don’t know. I think the crew is seeing what they want to see. They don’t want to accept that Jim’s gone. They loved their captain.” 

I could not blame them. I did not want to accept it either in spite of what logic told me. 

McCoy looked at me.  “It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, Spock.” 

“Doctor, do not bother trying to comfort me with emotional reassurances. They are not needed. Captain Kirk was a very competent captain.” 

“Mr. Spock!” Sulu suddenly yelled. “It’s the captain.” 

I turned to see where Sulu was looking and stopped short. Captain Kirk, in full bio suit, was floating near my science station. 

“Jim” McCoy exclaimed. 

For a moment all I could do was blink and stare at him. His mouth was forming words but I could not make them out from the captain’s chair. I stood. “Mr. Sulu, get a lock on the captain.” 

“Captain?” I said as I approached the floating captain. He spoke again and it appeared he was saying,  _‘Spock, get my ship out of here, go. That’s an order.’_  

And then he disappeared again just as I reached him. “Lieutenant Sulu?’’ 

“I didn’t get him, sir. I’m sorry,” he said sounding frustrated. 

“Jim is alive,” McCoy said. 

“Yes,” I said, trying not to give into the relief I felt. “However, I calculate he won’t last much longer because his oxygen is diminishing. We must lock on his signal before we are forced to get away from the Tholian web.” 

**** 

“Scott to bridge.” 

“Yes, Mr. Scott?” 

“The engines are operational, Mr. Spock. They need more repairs, but they’ve got some power.” 

“Will it be enough to get us away from the rift and the Tholian web?” 

“I’m not sure, sir. It’ll be close.” 

“Spock out.” There had been one or two other sightings of the captain but he had not re-appeared on the bridge. He needed to re-appear soon if we were to save him before we had to break free from the Tholians. And I was determined that I would save him. This was one order he’d tried to give me that I would not obey. 

“Mr. Sulu, you must be on standby for the reappearance of the captain. We’re going to lock a tractor beam on him.” 

“Yes, sir. Standing by.” 

McCoy came onto the bridge. “Spock, I’ve done it. I found the cure for the madness. I’ve already started using it on those affected.” 

“Excellent news, doctor.” 

The doctor looked toward the viewing screen and saw that the Tholians were dangerously close to completing their web. “No sign of Jim?” 

“No.” 

“We have to get out of here, Spock.” 

“I know, doctor.” I hit the comm. “Mr. Scott, standby to give me all the engines have.” 

“Aye, Mr. Spock.” 

Suddenly the captain appeared directly next to the captain’s chair “Now, Mr. Sulu. Lock on.” 

Sulu’s brow’s furrowed as he pushed several buttons. “I think I have him, Mr. Spock,” he said, just as the captain’s image winked out. 

“Prepare for warp six, Mr. Sulu,” I said. “Mr. Scott, we need full power to the engines.” 

“It’ll be close, Mr. Spock. She’s starting to drift.” 

“Acknowledged. Warp six, Mr. Sulu.” 

“Warp six.” 

The ship lurched forward and then back and forward again before breaking away and through the small opening of the Tholian’s web.   

Sulu grinned. “We made it, sir.” 

“Doctor, come with me. Mr. Scott, meet me in the transporter room.” 

He followed me to the turbolift and we made our way to the transporter room. I did not allow myself to have any doubt even though Lieutenant Sulu had said he  _thought_ he had him. I would accept no failure. Captain Kirk  _would_  survive. 

Mr. Scott was waiting for us. Dr. McCoy went to stand by the transporter. 

“Energize,” I ordered, trying not to hold my breath. 

Scott flipped the switch and the sound of the transporter began. The captain began to form on the transporter pad, on his knees. He materialized fully and McCoy rushed at him, yanking off the hood of his bio suit. 

“Jim!” McCoy exclaimed as the captain gasped for breath. He threw his arms around Jim who embraced him back. “Thank God. You dumbass!” 

The captain took a few more breaths and then laughed. “I’m glad to see you too, Bones.” 

I wanted to touch him, to embrace him, to make sure he was really safe, really here. But I did not. I watched as McCoy did what I wished to do. 

“Welcome back, Captain,” I finally said, when his gaze fell on me. 

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.” The doctor helped him stand and he stepped off the platform.  “You saved my life again.” He smiled. “Against my orders.” 

“Captain—” 

He came to stand right in front of me but he did not touch me. Of course I had told him to stop.  “I’m glad you saved me. Thank you.” 

I nodded. “I do not regret my action. I would do it again.” 

“That’s why you’re the best first officer there is.” For a moment his gloved hand rose like he would touch me, but then he lowered it. 

“Come on, Jim. You’re going to sickbay. I want to check you out,” the doctor said, grabbing his arm and taking him away from me. 

“I’ll want a status report later, Spock,” he said over his shoulder as McCoy led him from the transporter room. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the episode The Tholian Web


	8. Chapter 8

 

“Keptin on the bridge!” 

There was no mistaking the joyful tone of Ensign Chekov’s voice as the captain came strutting off the turbolift. 

He looked refreshed and strong, smiling his most dazzling captain’s smile. “Hey, everyone.” 

There were several choruses of “Welcome back, Captain” to greet him and he returned each greeting.  He stepped toward my station and for a moment I thought perhaps he would touch my shoulder. But he stopped just short of my personal space. 

“Hey, Spock. I was wondering if you’d like to play chess with me after shift.” He paused. “In the rec room.” 

I hid my disappointment, but nodded. I knew I was at fault for the step back in our friendship. “Yes, Captain, that would be most agreeable.” 

“Great.” And then he turned away and went to his captain chair. I watched him pick up his PADD. “Mr. Chekov, plot a course for M-113.” 

“Plotted, Keptin.” 

“Ahead warp factor two, Mr. Sulu.” 

“Aye, sir.” 

I glanced first at the captain, watched him study his PADD for several moments, content that he was once more where he should be. It had been too close. 

Then I turned my attention to Nyota who had been ignoring me since she had returned to the bridge. I walked over to her station. 

“Lieutenant?” 

No response. 

“Nyota?” 

She turned her dark eyes on me. “Commander?" 

“You were correct when you said you saw the captain.” 

“Is that an apology?" 

I lifted a brow. “It is just a statement of fact. You were not under the influence of the sickness, but did, in fact, see Captain Kirk. ” 

She crossed her arms in front of her. “No kidding? Spock, you suck at apologies.” 

I opened my mouth to reply but then became aware the captain had turned his chair toward us. 

“Is there a problem between you two?” he asked, the corners of his mouth turned up just a bit. 

“No, sir,” I said, my back going rigid. Nodding at Nyota, I went back to my station. 

**** 

By the time the captain arrived for our appointed chess game, I had already been in the rec room for ten minutes. The rec room was crowded with several crew members playing assorted recreational games and the noise level was rather high. I would have preferred to play our game in the captain’s quarters, but did not feel comfortable suggesting such an intimacy. 

“Captain, join us,” Mr. Scott called to him from a corner table. 

The engineer sat with two other crew members from engineering as well as Ensign Chekov. The four of them appeared to be indulging in alcohol. The captain stopped at their table and patted each one of them on the back, waving his hands and talking and laughing with them. He rested a hand on Mr. Scott’s shoulder; he leaned over him to peer at the drink in front of him. 

The sight of him touching them should not bother me. He was free to touch who he wished. I knew this. I had expressly told him not to touch me. Logically, watching him continue to have his hand on Mr. Scott should be of no matter, yet, what was this I was feeling? It almost felt like…jealousy. Vulcans did not feel jealousy. 

The captain spent so long talking to them I began to wonder if he had decided to accept their invitation to join them, but then he patted Mr. Scott on the back once more and then moved over to the replicators.  When he finally arrived where I sat with the chess set he had with him two cups of the herbal tea I favored. He set one before me and one before himself. 

“Captain, may I assume that you are acquiring a taste for the Vulcan tea I drink?” 

He actually blushed a little. “Well, um, I don’t know. Maybe.” 

I raised an eyebrow. “You are apparently a man with exceptional taste.” 

The captain laughed at that. “Good to know.” 

“You did not wish to join Mr. Scott and the others in their imbibing of alcohol?” I wondered as I watched him move his first pawn. 

His brow furrowed. “Huh? Why would I? You and I already had plans.” 

I felt illogically pleased by that and I recognized that I had made the query to begin with in order to obtain such a response. We lapsed into companionable silence for a few moves before I ventured. “I would like to make a query as to the state of your well-being.” 

“In Federation standard, please, Mr. Spock.” But he wore his teasing smile. 

“How are you feeling since your experience with the Defiant?” 

“Surprisingly fine.” Kirk shrugged. “Maybe I’m getting used to dying. I know, I didn’t really die. But I have to tell you being sort of suspended in space was really fucking weird.  I could still think and feel but it was like I wasn’t fully there.” He shook his head. “I really didn’t think I was going to make it.” 

“I did not think so either,” I admitted, remembering the unpleasant empty feeling of not having him there. 

“But anyway, I feel completely normal. I never even got the madness like Chekov did. I just floated around waiting to die. Or be rescued. Which is what happened.” He flashed his captain smile. 

A commotion at the entrance to the rec room had us both glancing that way and we watched as Carol Marcus, Nyota, and Christine Chapel all entered laughing and whispering. 

The captain shook his head and returned his attention to the chess game. 

“Are you involved in a romantic relationship with Dr. Marcus?” I asked before I could prevent myself from doing so. I felt my ears grow warm at the personal query. 

His blue eyes widened. “What? No. Nah. Well.” He pursed his lips, and lowered his voice, “Not like a romantic relationship. But we did, you know, once. Okay, twice. But I decided it was a mistake.” 

I did not wish to hear of the captain’s sexual escapades. Really. However, I found myself saying, “A mistake?” 

He nodded. “Yeah. I’m the  _captain_. I can’t go around fucking that up because I can’t keep things in my pants.” He reached for his tea and took a large swallow. “I can just see it all coming to an end over some sexual harassment kind of thing. So, yeah, hooking up with Carol was a mistake. And we both agreed on that.” 

“Quite true,” I said. 

The captain smiled. “I knew you’d agree with that. Especially given you are the first officer. You wouldn’t want to get caught up in fraternization with your subordinates either, would you?” 

I shifted uncomfortably. “You refer to my relationship with Nyota?” 

“Well, that wasn’t really my business and I know it began before you were both assigned to the Enterprise, but given the ending of it, I can’t say I don’t think it was for the best,” he said. “Personal relationships between serving officers can get pretty uncomfortable. I’d hate to lose either of you over that kind of a situation.” 

“I would never allow a personal relationship to interfere with my duties as your science officer and first, Captain.” 

“I am sure that’s true, Mr. Spock.” He took a few more sips of his tea and then made his next piece. “What do you know about M-113?” 

I had begun to realize in the few missions we’d had so far that Captain Kirk knew all about the planet we were about to visit and this was some sort of illogical form of testing me. Eventually, I surmised, he would realize it was futile as I would always pass his tests. 

“M-113 was colonized hundreds of years ago, but the ancient civilization fell and all that is left of that original colony are ruins. Currently M-113 is occupied only by archaeologists  Professor Crater, and his wife Nancy, who, as I understand it, is a former romantic partner of Dr. McCoy. The federation sends a starship to M-113 every three years for routine medical exams for Crater and his wife. The Enterprise is the closest starship in the quadrant at the moment, so we have been given the task.” 

The captain smiled. “Very good, Mr. Spock. In fact, perfect.” 

I raised an eyebrow. “Did you expect otherwise, sir?” 

“Nope. Checkmate.” The smile flashed again “You look vaguely annoyed, Mr. Spock.” 

“Your erratic playing does sometimes lead you to win, Captain. Even if I fail to see the logic, however, annoyance is an emotion, I, as a Vulcan, do not feel.” 

“Good. I wouldn't want to annoy you. At least not again.” 

“Are you alluding to the time of my emotional compromise?” 

He shrugged. “Not really. Exactly. It’s just…I think you were annoyed. Weren't you?” 

I steepled my fingers together and observed him. “I do not plan to strangle you again, Jim. I would hope you are aware of this. Those were…difficult circumstances.” It did not sit well with me that he might be afraid of me in some way. 

“Yeah, I am. And I don’t mean to bring anything up that’s painful. But I can’t deny that you are quite a bit stronger than I am. Even if I might like to change that.” He reached over as though he were about to pat the top of my hand, but then he pulled back abruptly and stood. “I should go. I have a ton of reports to do.” 

I stood, too, and said, “I will retire to my quarters also. I’ll walk with you.” Together we dissembled the chess game and left the rec room to the turbolift that would take us to our quarters. When the turbolift doors closed, I straightened, locking my hands behind my back. “Captain?’’ 

“Hmm?” 

“I wish to bring up a misunderstanding between us.” 

“Oh?” 

I wondered exactly how to broach the subject of his tactile personality. I exhaled. “Is there a reason you chose for us to play chess in the rec room instead of your quarters as we did last time?” 

The captain looked startled by the question, his eyes going wide. “Well, I, I kind of thought you might be more comfortable there.” 

I nodded. “It is because I told you not to touch me, is it not?” 

The turbolift doors opened and he hurried out as though he wanted to get away from me. I easily caught up. 

“Captain?” 

He didn't answer until he stopped in front of his quarters. “Look, Spock, I’m kind of a touchy-feely kind of guy. It’s a comfort mechanism for me. But I know that’s not for everyone, and most especially not a Vulcan. I’m totally cool with that.” 

“I do not mind.” 

“Spock—” 

“Captain, I was agitated that day and reacted illogically. I truly do not mind if you-if you were to continue your previous practices.” 

He tilted his head to the right and then the left, assessing me with his too perceptive genius-brain. And then the smile, the mysterious one he seemed to smile at me sometimes, appeared. “Commander, are you asking me to touch you?” 

I shifted uncomfortably. “If it comforts you, sir.” 

Kirk nodded. “Thank you, Mr. Spock.” He turned and entered the code to enter his quarters. “I’ll keep that in mind.” 

The doors opened and he disappeared inside. Still without touching me. 


	9. Chapter 9

 

 “Just how close were you and Nancy Crater, Bones?” the captain asked as the three of us made our way to the transporter room. 

“Well, of course she was Nancy Porter then.” McCoy looked even more emotional than usual as he smiled rather dreamily. “We were engaged to be married. That was before the woman I did marry.” He scowled, then smiled again. “Anyway, Nancy wanted to be an archeologist in space and at that time I wasn’t interested in space travel.” 

The captain shook his head. “Be careful with Crater, Bones. I don’t need any problems with jealous husbands.” 

“You don’t need to worry about  _me_ , kid. You’re the Lothario.” 

The captain glared. “Be quiet, Bones.” 

“Hey, I’m not the one who had two women in bed at the same time. Or was it three?” McCoy slapped the captain on his back. “I don’t blame you, Jim. You got it, you flaunt it.” 

Kirk snorted and entered the transporter room. A security officer by the name of Darnell waited by the transporter pads. “All right, let’s go.” We all got on the pads. “Energize.” 

To say the planet was arid and barren would be an understatement. And very hot. Even hotter than Vulcan had been. I could well see why the colonists had abandoned it. In the distance we could see stone arches and dilapidated buildings. 

I had my tricorder out and scanning. “The professor’s dwelling is that way, Captain.” I gestured to the right. 

When we reached the small stone dwelling, we were instantly greeted by a dark haired woman somewhere in her early forties with a sprinkling of gray hair. She smiled in welcome. 

“Leonard! It’s been so long.” She threw her arms around McCoy. 

Dr. McCoy looked stunned. “Nancy, I can’t believe it. You haven’t aged at all. It’s like you stopped aging at twenty-five.” 

She laughed and left her arm around him as she turned to us. “I’m Nancy Crater.” 

“Captain Kirk, my first officer, Commander Spock, and this is our security officer, Darnell.” 

“I’m pleased to meet all of you,” she said warmly. “Leonard, come, I want to show you something.” She led McCoy to another part of the room where she picked up an artifact. 

I noticed Darnell staring at Mrs. Crater with a dazed look on his face. The captain noticed too. 

“What’s up with you?” the captain asked. 

“Nothing, sir. It’s just that…Mrs. Crater looks exactly like a dancer I knew on Rigel III,” Darnell said, staring openly at her. 

“You’d better go outside and survey the area. See what you can find,” Kirk said. Then after Darnell left, he came closer to stand next to me. “Hey Spock?” 

“Yes, Captain?” 

“What do you see when you look at Nancy Crater?” 

“A handsome woman in her early forties,” I replied. 

He blew out a breath. “Okay, good. That’s what I see, too.  For a moment, I thought I was the one seeing things.” 

“Perhaps Dr. McCoy is seeing her through an old paramour’s eyes.” 

The captain nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He patted my arm, but the touch was fleeting and I had to fight the inclination to grab his hand back. “Mrs. Crater, where’s your husband?” 

“Oh, he’s probably around outside somewhere, I’ll go and fetch him.” She stopped just before the door. “Captain, I wanted to make sure you got our request for salt tablets.” 

“Yeah, it’s on the list of supplies you asked for,” he said. 

“Good. They’re very important to us here. I’ll go and get my husband.” And then she went outside.  

“I can’t believe how good Nancy looks,” McCoy declared. “It’s like time has stood still.” 

“Uh, Bones, she’s an attractive woman and all, but I’d say she’s definitely aged since you last saw her. Wasn’t it more than fifteen years ago?” 

“Are you nuts, Jim? It’s like she’s still twenty-five.” 

A man in his fifties entered the dwelling. “I’m Professor Crater, Captain.” 

“Where’s your wife? She went looking for you,” the captain said. 

“Oh, did she? I must have missed her. She’ll come back when she hasn’t found me.” He crossed his arms in front of him. “I must protest this visit. We don’t need the Federation interfering with us. All we need is the supplies we requested, especially salt tablets.” 

Kirk frowned. “What’s with you guys and the salt?” 

“Captain, we’re on a hot and dry planet. Are you really surprised we require salt?” Professor Crater asked. 

McCoy approached him with his medical bag. “Might as well start the exam. Roll up your sleeve.” 

“I assure you, doctor, I am in perfect health. This is completely unnecessary.” 

“Well,” said the captain. “If you don’t want to cooperate, we can take you off M-113 and return you to the nearest starbase. Shut down your research here.” 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Crater said. 

“Try me.” 

Crater rolled up his sleeve. 

From somewhere outside, Nancy Crater screamed. We ran outside and followed her screams. 

Nancy Crater stood next to the prone body of Darnell. When she saw us, she began to cry. McCoy bent down next to Darnell. There were red circles all over his skin. 

“He’s dead,” McCoy announced. 

“Dead?” The captain looked furious. I stepped closer to him. “What the hell happened, Mrs. Crater?” 

McCoy had straightened and was looking at her as though seeing her for the first time. 

“He was standing there looking at the Henning’s plant. I saw him pick a piece of the fruit and before I could warn him that it was poison, he’d taken a bite,” she said, then cried anew. 

Kirk’s jaw clenched and he glanced at me. I could tell by his eyes he didn’t believe Mrs. Crater’s story. He took out his communicator. “We’re beaming back up. We’ll be back down to complete your exams and take your supplies later.” 

**** 

The captain, I, and Dr. McCoy were in sickbay. The doctor had just finished examining security officer, Darnell.  

“I can’t find any reason the man’s dead,” Dr. McCoy said. “He didn’t eat any fruit of the Henning plant.” 

“So she lied?” The captain pounced on that. 

“I don’t think she lied. She probably saw just what she said she saw.” McCoy shrugged. “But there’s no poison in him.” 

“What about those red circles?” 

“The only thing I can find is his body is completely devoid of salt.” 

“Salt? Both Craters insisted they needed salt. There’s…something there.” 

McCoy nodded. “Jim, when I first saw her she looked exactly like she did when we were engaged. And then later—I don’t get it. Maybe I saw what I wanted to see?” 

The captain’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t care about your ill-fated romance, doctor, a man died and I want to know why!” 

The doctor looked startled. He straightened. “I’ll keep looking, Captain.” 

Kirk left sickbay without another word and I followed him out. He only got about halfway down the corridor before he stopped and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. 

“Captain? Are you all right?” 

“I’m fine, Spock. I should go back and apologize, shouldn’t I?” 

“I am certain Dr. McCoy did not take it personally, Captain.” 

He opened his eyes and smiled. “You think so? I’m just so tense right now.” 

I nodded. Taking a chance I laid my hand on his shoulder. 

He blinked and then his eyes widened almost imperceptibly as his gaze met mine. For several seconds we just stared at each other, our gazes locked. His pupils were dilated with only the barest hint of blue on the edges.  His tongue traced his lips. 

  
_Fascinating_. 

The captain looked away and straightened from the wall and my hand fell off his shoulder. “I’m going to take a couple more security officers back down there. Crater and his wife know something about this, Spock. I know they do.” 

“I will, of course, accompany you,” I said, following him down the corridor. 

**** 

“Professor Crater, where is your wife?” Kirk asked Crater when we beamed back to M-113. 

“I’m not sure, Captain. But she’s around somewhere. Did you bring the salt?” 

“Not yet, no. I want to know what the hell’s going on down here, Crater.” 

“Nothing is going on. Nancy told you that your crew man ate a poison fruit. He shouldn’t have been touching plants without knowing what they were in the first place.” 

A man screamed. It sounded like Lawrence who had just beamed down with us a short time ago. We hurried in that direction to find Lawrence lying on the ground the same red circles as Darnell. 

“Fuck,” the captain said, crouching beside him. “Dead.” He stood. “What happened to Crater?” 

“I do not know.” 

Kirk pulled out his communicator. “Phillips? Report in. Phillips?” There was no response just static. “Damn it. Phillips!” He yelled. “Crater!” 

We were headed back in the direction we came in when Phillips appeared. 

“Did you see anything?” Kirk asked. “Mrs. Crater?” 

“No, sir. Nothing,” Phillips said, biting his finger and staring at the captain. 

He didn’t seem to notice as he flipped open his communicator. “I don’t know where the Craters are but we’re beaming back up.” 

**** 

“It’s just like Darnell, Jim. No salt. As far as I can tell that’s why they’re dying. They’ve been completely drained of salt,” the doctor told us in sickbay. 

“Bones, listen, about earlier—” 

McCoy smiled. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I did need to focus on my job.” 

“Fucking Crater knows what’s going on.” He grimaced. “And I swear I’m going to make him tell me.” 

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Nyota’s voice. 

He went to the comm on the wall. “Kirk here.” 

“Captain, I’ve been scanning the life forms on M-113.” 

“And?” 

“There’s only one life form. Professor Crater.” 

He frowned. “Okay, thanks, Lieutenant. Spock? You’re with me.” 

As soon as we beamed down to the planet, the captain started yelling for Crater. 

“Crater, where’s your wife? Professor Crater!” 

We went to the other side of the Crater dwelling and that was when I spotted a man lying on the ground. I crouched down to see Phillips lying there with red circles all over him. 

“Captain!” 

He hurried over and looked down. “Oh, shit.” Out came his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise.” 

“Scott here, sir.” 

“Scotty, we’ve got an imposter on the Enterprise. Beamed up as Security officer, Phillips. Phillips is dead. Go to yellow alert.” 

“Aye, sir.” 

“Kirk out. We’ve gotta find Crater.” 

Just as we stepped away from Phillips a phaser blast hit the spot where we’d stood. 

I drew my phaser as we both took cover. “It appears he has found us, Captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the episode The Man Trap


	10. Chapter 10

 

Kirk scooted over on his stomach next to my position. “This is seriously pissing me off. Do you see him?” 

“Behind that archway, Captain.” 

Another phaser blast hit near our position. 

“If I keep his attention here, do you think you can get around him and do that neck thing?” 

I considered it and then nodded. “Affirmative.” 

“I wish you’d teach me that,” the captain said. 

“No offense, sir, but you don’t have the strength in your fingers to execute the neck pinch.” 

He huffed out a breath. “Oh yeah, no offense. I can do a neck chop, you know.” 

“Of course you can, Captain.” 

“Are you condescending to me? You are, aren’t you?” He shook his head. “All right go do your thing. And be careful.” 

I moved off at a low crawl as the captain fired toward Crater. 

“Come on, Crater, give it up. We need some answers,” the captain yelled. 

“Go away!” Crater shouted back. “Leave us alone.” 

I made my way around the arch while Crater continued to fire at the captain. Reaching him easily, he dropped to the ground when I squeezed his neck. “He’s down, Captain.” 

He already had his communicator out when he got to us. “Three to beam up. “ 

The captain questioned Professor Crater in a conference room in the presence of me, Dr. McCoy, and a yeoman who kept track of what was said on a PADD. 

Dr. McCoy appeared nervous and jumpy though I was not certain why and he kept biting his finger and starting at Crater. 

“Where is your wife, Crater?” Captain Kirk demanded. 

“You see, when we got to planet M-113 we discovered it wasn’t entirely uninhabited. There was a life form there, a creature if you will, who was the last of its kind. Nancy understood.” 

“Understood what?” 

“It’s need for survival,” Crater said. 

“Professor, _where_ is your wife?” 

Crater sighed. “Nancy has been dead for over a year. Or was it over two?” 

The captain stared at him. “Are you saying the woman we met down there was the creature?” 

“Yes, Captain. You have to understand. It doesn’t want to kill, but it needs salt to survive.” 

“It can take on any form. This thing is loose on my ship.” His eyes flashed angrily. “Would you recognize it?” 

Crater’s eyes shifted to take in all of us. “Yes,” he said hesitantly. “But I wouldn’t tell you if I did see it.” 

**** 

An hour later, I discovered Crater’s body just inside sickbay. I could not locate Dr. McCoy. Crater had been taken there by McCoy after the captain had questioned him. I had come by sickbay because the doctor had been acting strangely. Even for him. 

I went to the comm on the wall. “Spock to Captain Kirk.” 

Several minutes went by with no response. Very unusual for him. 

“Computer, locate James T. Kirk.” 

“Kirk, James T., Captain, is currently in McCoy, Leonard, Lieutenant Commander’s quarters.” 

I rushed from sickbay and made my way down the long corridor toward the doctor’s quarters.  Something was definitely wrong. I tried not to give into the concern for the captain I could not deny I felt. 

McCoy’s quarters were locked but my first officer’s override code opened the door. My heart thudded hard in my side. The creature in the form of Nancy Crater had the captain backed up against the wall its fingers spread over his face. McCoy stood by his bed holding a phaser but just staring in stupefaction at them. 

“Shoot it, doctor, it’s killing the captain!” 

“I won’t shoot Nancy!” McCoy insisted. 

“It’s _not_ Nancy!” I hurried over to put myself between the captain and the creature, breaking it’s grip on the captain’s face. When the creature tried to get around me to reach him, I struck it across the face. It barely flinched. “Is this Nancy, doctor? Could she take this?” I hit her several times and she kept trying to descend toward the captain who was now holding his head and kneeling behind me. 

“But—” 

The creature hit me across the face sending me into the opposite wall, leaving Jim exposed.

_No_. 

”Doctor McCoy!” I yelled, enraged. 

McCoy looked pained but he fired the phaser at the creature. The creature stopped for a moment and then reached for the captain’s face as McCoy fired again and again. It lost the image of Nancy Crater and turned into a large red-furred creature with tentacles for fingers. It finally let go of the captain and turned around to face McCoy once more turning into Nancy. 

“Leonard, how could you?” It asked desperately. 

But the doctor fired on it again and it at last slumped to the floor dead. 

“Captain, Jim.” I knelt beside him, moving his hands from his head. His blue eyes were hazy and filled with pain. 

“Spock?” he whispered. 

“Yes, Captain.” I picked him up in my arms and carried him to sickbay. 

**** 

When I returned to sickbay later the captain was sitting up on a bio bed. He smiled at me, looking extremely tired, but otherwise well. 

“I am gratified to see you up, Captain.” 

He smiled. “Me, too.” 

“You should be lying down.” 

“Nah, Bones said I could go rest in my quarters. I’m just waiting for him. All my salt’s been replenished. I just have a bitch of a headache.” 

“Status report.” 

“Yeah, go ahead.” 

“The creature had assumed Dr. McCoy’s form when we were questioning Crater. When he went with Crater to sickbay, the creature killed him, and then was attempting to kill the doctor when you went to check on him in his quarters.” 

He nodded. “Yeah, he was acting weird, so I wanted to see if he was okay. I thought he’d be upset about Nancy being dead.” 

“While the creature was onboard disguised as Phillips it managed to kill two crew members near engineering.” 

The captain sighed. “Okay. Thanks, Mr. Spock. Anything else?” 

“No, Sir. I am needed back on the bridge.” 

“Wait. Before you go.” 

I turned back to face him. “Sir?” 

“Listen, Spock, about what you did back there.” Kirk shook his head. “I need you to stop doing that.” 

“Doing what?” 

“Putting yourself in danger because of me. Protecting me. You’re always doing that.” 

“I was trying to prevent the creature from killing you, Captain,” I explained, my stance stiff, my hands gripped behind my back. 

“I know. But you don’t need to protect me all the time. Your life is too important-” 

“No.” 

His blue eyes widened. “Excuse me?” 

“I regret to inform you, Captain, that I will not cease attempting to prevent you from coming to harm.” 

“I don’t want you endangering yourself on my behalf!” 

“Your life is more important than mine, Captain.” 

“To hell it is. I can take care of myself, Spock.” 

“It did not appear to be the case today, Captain.” 

He sat up straight. “That was a rare circumstance. It attacked me before I could react.” 

“You seem to find rare circumstances wherever you go, sir,” I said coolly. 

“I’m making this an order, Commander.” 

“An order which I will refuse,” I returned calmly. 

A muscle ticked in his cheek. “Are you being insubordinate?” 

“Yes, I believe I am.” 

“Spock, why can’t you just do as you’re told for fuck’s sake? I don’t want you to risk your life for mine. Is that too much to ask? Why does everything have to be an argument with you?” 

I did not reply, because I would not be swayed from this. Keeping him safe was my top priority and I would not back down. As first officer protecting my captain was my duty, however, I recognized it went far beyond that now. 

“Fucking hell,” he said, clearly exasperated. “I don’t give a damn for what regulations say you should do in order to protect the captain. And I—” 

“Captain, my need to protect you from death and harm and my refusal to cease doing all that is in my power to see that you are safe has nothing at all to do with regulations. “ 

“Now, then, here’s---” McCoy had just come in. He stared at both of us, no doubt recognizing he had interrupted something. 

Jim’s gaze did not move from my face, he simply stared at me. 

“If you will excuse me, Captain, Doctor. I am needed on the bridge.” 

I walked out of sickbay, wondering why I had dared to admit my increasing infatuation to the captain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the episode The Man Trap


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

 

I was momentarily taken aback when Dr. McCoy stood in the doorway of the captain’s quarters just as I was about to alert the captain to my presence. Earlier he had asked if I wished to play chess at this appointed time. 

I raised an eyebrow. “Doctor.” 

Vulcans, of course, did not feel jealous. At least not under ordinary circumstances. However, though I might wish to suppress it most of the time, I could not completely deny I was half-human. It was this half that accounted for my feelings of jealousy associated with Dr. McCoy’s close friendship with the captain. No one, not even the late Admiral Pike, was as close to Jim Kirk as Leonard McCoy was. I had begun to suspect I might feel some small resentment for anyone who spent time with him, but McCoy had a part of the captain I did not think I could ever have. 

“What are you doing here?” McCoy asked. I did not appreciate his tone. 

“I have an appointment with Captain Kirk.” I paused. “And you?” 

He seemed startled by the question. “I was just checking on him. To see if his headache had gone away.” 

I nodded. “Doctor, please step aside so that I may enter.” 

“Oh.” He moved out of the doorway but he did not exit. “He’s talking to his mother.” 

“Thank you for the update. I am sure you have other activities to attend to.” 

McCoy rolled his eyes. “All right, I’m leaving.” He muttered something about green blood as he exited the quarters. 

The captain was seated behind his desk, but he had not turned to look at me. His legs were propped up on the wall and he was fidgeting with a stylus. 

“Yes, Mom, I’m fine, I told you.” 

“Well, what was it this time, Jimmy?” a woman’s voice asked through the comm. 

“Some kind of salt creature. I don’t know what it’s called. It was this big hairy thing that sucked out a person’s salt. But I’m fine. Back to normal. You didn’t need to call.” 

“I’m your mother. I hear you’ve been injured  _again_  and of course I am going to call. I swear I think you have a death wish. “ 

He snorted. “Don’t start that psychobabble shit with me now."  

“Are you still depressed?” 

“Look, isn’t it just a little late for the concerned mother act?” 

“James Tiberius Kirk! It is not an  _act_.” 

“It’s too little, too late. And I have someone waiting for me.” 

It was the first indication I had that he even knew I had arrived and was standing there. 

“Jimmy—” 

“Gotta go. Bye, Mom.” And he hit the comm. His legs dropped from the wall and he turned his chair to face me. His captain’s smile was firmly in place. “Sorry to keep you waiting, Spock.” 

“It was not my intention to interrupt,” I said, noticing the signs of strain around his eyes and the grim lines of his mouth, smile or not. “You did say at 1900 hours.” 

He waved that aside and stood. “I did and I meant it. I didn’t expect her to contact me so soon after the last time. Tea?” He said standing next to the replicator. 

“That would be agreeable. She is concerned for you.” 

“Most likely she’s pretending concern. Probably someone asked her about me and she thought she’d better know the answers to whatever they asked. Doesn’t like them knowing more about me than she does.” 

I did not think that was it but I did not press the issue. His relationship with his mother was outside of my duties as his first officer and I should not concern myself with it. However, she had alluded to the captain being depressed and since the welfare of the captain  _was_  within my duties as first officer, I could inquire after that without seeming unduly interested in his personal life. 

First I sat in the chair across from his at his desk. He had taken out the chess set and placed it between us. “You are feeling all right, Captain?” 

“Yeah. Still have a slight headache. Bones gave me a pill just now.” He pushed a cup of tea across the desk at me. 

“And your…mental health?” 

He blinked at me several times. “Excuse me?” 

I exhaled. “You have had a number of traumatic occurrences lately, Captain. Dating as far back to the Narada incident and perhaps farther. More recently you experienced death and being suspended in space.” 

“I see.” The captain picked up his own cup of tea and leaned back in his chair. “This is about what my mother said, right?” 

“It was not my intention to overhear your private conversation.” 

“Yet you did. My mental health is fine, Spock. I am not compromised emotionally or otherwise at present.” 

“Very well. It is your move, Captain.” 

We played in silence for a while but I could tell by the glances he kept giving me he wanted to bring up some difficult topic. I suspected it had something to do with my insubordination over his welfare. 

“Spock,” he said finally, his blue eyes searching me. 

“Sir?” 

“We’re friends.” 

Since it was obvious we were and both of us had previously acknowledged such, I merely nodded. 

“Well, just, you know, when you said wanting to protect me from getting shot and injured and death and all that had nothing to do with regulations.” 

“Yes.” 

He kept his gaze now firmly on the chess game. “It’s the same for me. With you.” He shrugged. “I don’t intend to stop from trying to shield you or from trying to stop you from shielding me and I’ll probably continue to bitch at you if you do keep protecting me.” 

“I see. So we are at something of an impasse,” I said with a nod. 

His gaze rose and he smiled that mysterious but appealing smile. “I guess we are.” 

“Checkmate, Captain.” 

“Fuck.” But he was still smiling. 

“Would you like a rematch?” I inquired. “Or does your head pain you overmuch?” 

“Actually, I think we can have a rematch another day,” Kirk said. “But…can we talk? Not here. It’s not very comfortable.” His gaze fell on the sofa he had in his quarters. Being the captain and first officer we had the largest quarters with the captain’s being a bit larger than mine. The sofa was only big enough for two to sit side-by-side. “Want another cup of tea?” 

“”I would appreciate one.” I moved over to the sofa wondering what he wished to talk about. My curiosity was piqued, yes, but also gratified that he was entrusting to me this intimate exchange. My earlier error regarding his tactile nature had not completely destroyed our growing friendship. I could not deny I had begun to crave the personal time I spent with him. 

He brought over the tea and handed one to me and then took his seat next to me. 

“I’m sorry about chess. I can’t really say my mind is on the game right now.” 

“I do not mind,” I said. 

He laughed. “Of course not. You beat my ass in that game.” 

“I was, indeed, victorious.” 

Kirk sighed and sipped his tea. “Spock, I meant it when I said I’m not compromised emotionally or mentally.” 

“I do not think you are, Jim.” 

“Good. But what I wanted to tell you was there was a time I did see a psychiatrist for depression and post-traumatic stress.” He was staring at his tea but his gaze was unfocused and distant. “I’m not sure how much you know about my past, my background.” 

“A little,” I admitted. “I did read your academic file before the Kobayishi Maru hearing. I am aware you have genius-level intelligence and that your grades were significantly higher than most of classmates. I also know that Pike found you getting beaten in a bar by Starfleet cadets and Nyota was there.” 

He winced. “Uh, yeah. Right. That’s all correct. I spent a few years before that in and out of trouble. More in than out I guess. I saw doctors after the time I spent on Tarsus IV.” 

His gaze flickered across the room before it finally rested on mine and I saw the hint of remembered pain there. 

I knew about Tarsus IV. I’d read about it at the Starfleet Academy. The famine and the massacre of thousands of people by the “the executioner”, Kodos, who had been Governor of the planet. 

Governor Kodos had ordered the executions of more than half Tarsus IV's population after the food supply was all but destroyed by a fungus. Kodos had applied his own personal theories of eugenics when he chose who lived or died. Furthermore, the vital resupply ships that could have saved the whole colony arrived much sooner than Kodos had anticipated, rendering all the executions unnecessary. I also knew there had been very few survivors. I had not known the captain was one of them. 

“It must have been very difficult for you after surviving that, therefore, I can see why they would have sought medical expertise on your behalf,” I said. 

“Yeah,” he said softly. “A lot of good people, people I cared about, died on that planet. Murdered.” He shivered and I found myself scooting closer to him without really thinking about my actions. 

“I would not wish you to speak of the details if they cause you pain,” I said, then hesitated. “If you would permit me, I could meld with you.” 

Jim stared at me, his blue eyes wide. “I-I don’t know. The last one I had was really something.” 

“You have had a meld?” I asked, not bothering to hide my surprise. 

“You, well, the older you, the other one, him, the Spock from the other time… _him_. On Delta Vega.” 

“You did not tell me this. Nor did he.” 

Jim shrugged. “For one thing he told me you couldn’t know about him at the time. And after, well, it never came up. Anyway, it was kind of powerful.” 

“It hurt you?” 

“Not exactly. But it was right after Vulcan was destroyed and there was a lot of emotional transference. Or that’s what he called it.” He frowned. “Would you experience that from melding with me about Tarsus IV?” 

“I would likely experience some,” I admitted. I moved closer to him on the sofa. Close enough our legs were touching. “It would be worth it for me if you did not have to experience the pain of speaking of it. And I would like to know. If I may.” 

He licked his lips, still seeming reluctant. But then he nodded. “Okay.” 

I touched the psi-points on his face, his skin feeling cool. “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.” 

I saw death, terror, starving, murder, sorrow all from Tarsus IV. A broken teenaged Jim, sick and too thin, protecting others, giving them his food. 

But along with the memories from Tarsus IV, I experienced the brilliance of Jim’s mind. It was sparkling, warm, intoxicating, so full of life and passion it left me breathless with wanting. It was so alluring, so magnificent I wanted to linger there. This I craved. This man. I had been infatuated before by the physical beauty, the actions of the man, but now that I had touched the mind of him I did not think I could be satisfied with any other. 

Most reluctantly, I broke the meld, having gathered the information, and more, I had sought. A single tear lay on his cheek and I wiped it with my thumb. He’d had his eyes closed and he opened them now. He smiled. 

“You got it?” 

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak just then. I was a little in awe of him. The man he was, the child he used to be. Brave and fierce and full of so much life. 

He blew out a breath, it was cool against me. “Well, so now you know a huge part of my past. And why my mother asked me about depression. I had a hard time dealing for a while.” 

“It is understandable,” I finally managed to say. “But…you do not have a death wish.” 

He looked puzzled. “No.” 

“Your mother mentioned it,” I explained. “But while I agree you are often reckless and heedless of the consequences of your actions, you are full of life and the desire to live it.” 

That mysterious smile appeared and I realized it was the smile I appreciated the most. And that it was always directed at me. I had a special smile from Jim just as McCoy had. There was something about it that I was missing, I could almost grasp it, but not quite. I was beginning to yearn for it. I knew it was time to return to my own quarters before I did something to embarrass us both. 

“You are tired, Captain,” I said, using his title deliberately to provide some distance between us. A distance I needed at that time. I stood and tugged down my uniform shirt. 

The captain stood too. “Thank you, Spock. For the game and…everything else.” 

I nodded and made my way to the door of his quarters. “I am gratified you trusted me enough to allow me to know your memories.” 

“There’s no one I trust more than you, Mr. Spock.” 

I blinked, a lump forming in my throat, and I found myself once more having trouble forming words. 

“Good night,” the captain said. 

“Good night, sir.” I knew I would be spending a long time meditating when I returned to my own quarters.”    

  


	12. Chapter 12

 I woke to the sound of Jim’s voice. 

“I can’t handle this, Bones.” 

“Jim, calm down. He’s going to be fine.” 

I remembered then. We’d been on Chronos Twelve when a large beast with claws had decided to attack the captain. I had put myself between them. Obviously I was now in sickbay. 

“ _This_ time. What about next time he does this? God. You didn't see him, Bones. There was _so_ much blood. Everywhere. I almost lost it. Lost him. I can’t. I just can’t.” 

“You aren't going to change him, Jim,” McCoy said. “For whatever reason Spock has decided it is his duty to protect your life. I can’t say I’m not grateful for that.” 

“I don’t want him to do that. Look, missions are dangerous. Everyone knows that. And the more we become known in the galaxy more and more civilizations might target me. I’m the captain. It’s…logical. I accept that it’s likely I may have to give my life for my crew again. The captain is supposed to go down with the ship, Bones.” 

“I doubt Spock sees it that way.” 

“I know.” The captain sounded upset. Not angry, but filled with despair. It made my heart ache. “What am I supposed to do? If he dies saving my life I’m going to go insane.” 

“What can you do about it, Jim?” 

“I don’t know. A transfer?” 

There was a long pause. “You’d leave the Enterprise?” 

“Not me. Him. Spock. If he’s no longer serving on the Enterprise he can’t keep risking his life trying to save mine.” 

My stomach felt queasy and my heart rate increased. Jim wanted to transfer me off his ship? I could not fathom it. 

“Isn't that a little drastic?” McCoy asked. 

“Maybe. I don’t know. He said he didn't want to serve on any other ship. And I don’t want him to. But I can’t go on like this. There was so much blood, Bones. I thought he was dead. I can’t make it without him.” 

McCoy sighed. “Well, then the answer doesn't seem to be to transfer him, does it? Have you talked to him about it?” 

“Kind of. He basically said he was going to continue protecting me.” He made an annoyed sound. “I don’t even understand it. It wasn't that long ago he fucking hated me. He strangled me near to death. And now he’s trying to save me. Is it guilt? Is it because Spock—the _other_ Spock—said we’d have this great, epic friendship and so _my_ Spock thinks he’s obligated to keep me around?” 

“I don’t know about any of that, Jim, but what I do know is Spock most definitely doesn't hate you. Not even close. I was here when you were floating in space when the Defiant disappeared.” 

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Nyota’s voice. 

“Kirk here.” 

“You have a private message from the Federation, sir.” 

“I’ll take it in my quarters, Lieutenant. Kirk out. Bones—” 

“I’ll keep you updated on his status.” 

“Thanks.” 

Before I had time to process the conversation I’d overheard, Dr. McCoy came over to my biobed. I had closed my eyes when I heard him approach, but now opened them. 

“Oh, you’re awake.” 

“Obviously, doctor.” 

“How do you feel?” 

“I am well. I request to be allowed to convalesce in my quarters where I can meditate and fully heal with the Vulcan healing trance.” 

Dr. McCoy looked exasperated. “Can you let me do my job and check you out first?” 

I reluctantly nodded while he scanned me. “The captain…is he—” 

“Jim’s fine. Not injured at all.” 

“He was distressed.” 

The doctor’s gaze rose in surprise with his medical scanner. “How much did you overhear?” 

“I do not know. But enough to know he was highly agitated.” 

He nodded. “You were barely alive when you were brought up to the ship, Spock. He was cradling you in his arms when he beamed up.” 

My throat tightened. “I do not wish him to be distressed.” 

“I’m not sure the two of you can help it.” 

“The two of us?” 

He snorted. “You gotta be kidding me? For two of the most brilliant men I've ever known you really are clueless. You figure it out; I’m a doctor not a matchmaker.” 

Lifting a brow at him, I said, ”Am I released to my quarters?” 

McCoy rolled his eyes. “Yes, but only cause I can’t stand the sight of you. And no duty for twenty-four hours.” 

**** 

I was just obtaining Plomeek soup from the replicator, which was nothing close to the real soup I enjoyed on Vulcan, but it was all the ship’s replicator’s seemed to be able to manage, when the bell outside my quarters rang. 

“Enter,” I said, expecting Nyota as she had already stopped by once before to check on me. 

But instead the door opened to reveal Jim. He wore his uniform and the gold shirt seemed to bring out the gold in his hair. As well as the stunning blueness of his eyes. All I could do is stare at him. 

“Hey, Spock. Am I interrupting?” 

“No. I was about to have some soup. Have you eaten?” 

He eyed the soup. “No, but that stuff is really orange. Perhaps I could have something else?” 

“You do not know what you are missing. But, what would you like?” I asked making my way back to the replicator. I was both thrilled and apprehensive to have him there. He had never been in my quarters before. 

“Bones is trying to get me to eat healthy so maybe a chicken breast and some vegetables.” He looked around. “It’s pretty hot in here.” 

“Would you like me to reduce the temperature? It is set to replicate a typical day’s temperature on Vulcan.” 

“No, that’s fine. I don’t need you to change your quarters for me.” Jim sat in the chair across from where I had set my Plomeek soup.  “I can’t imagine how you must feel about it.” 

I brought him his food and sat in front of my soup. “Feel, Captain?" 

He laughed. “Don’t give me that Vulcan’s don’t feel shit. I know better.” And to my surprise he reached across and brushed his fingers over mine. Instantly I was very aware of the intimacy of having him here in my quarters, his fingers stroking mine in what amounted to kissing with Vulcans. I wondered if he knew the significance of touching fingers to us, but calculated he probably did not. “You must really miss Vulcan.” 

“I do. And the loss of her many people. It is a sorrow that does not go away,” I admitted. “But as much as that grieves me, missing my mother is worse.” 

Jim nodded. “I would do anything to change what happened.” 

“As would I.” I turned my hand so that our fingers more fully touched and I tried not to show how affected I was by having his hand in mine. There was a fire in my blood at his touch. 

“Spock, I—” 

“Jim, I know my protection of you disturbs you. It is not my intention to cause you distress. However, the loss of you, now, after everything else, would compromise me emotionally, I fear, for an extended period of time. It is also not my intention to be insubordinate. But for the sake of my own well-being I cannot act any other way. “ 

Jim stared at me. His eyes impossibly blue, as though they were glowing from within. “I don’t know what to say.” 

I nodded, aware I was revealing much about my regard for him. “You do not need to say anything, Captain. I am asking that you do not transfer me off the Enterprise.” 

He closed his eyes, shaking his head. When he opened them there was a wet sheen to them. “I wouldn't, Spock.” 

“You suggested you would to Dr. McCoy.” 

“I know I said that and I guess you overheard it, but, Spock, I was upset. You…you almost died. You mean so much—” 

I was on my feet and around the table pulling him out of the chair before he finished his sentence. A gasp escaped his lips just as I crushed my mouth to his. His slightly chapped lips softened under mine. His tongue slipped out and I sucked it into my mouth.

_This_ … _this_ is what I’d been wanting. 

His arms looped around my neck and I shoved him against the nearest wall, our mouths devouring, hungry. The taste, the feel, the smell of him…everything. I craved it all. Skin, I needed my hands on skin. I pushed up his uniform shirt and undershirt and splayed my fingers over his cool abdomen. 

Jim sucked in a breath and pulled me closer. I wanted him like this, up against the wall, writhing and coming, giving it all to me. _Only me_. 

“Mine,” I growled against his lips then trailed my mouth down his throat to the pulse point there. 

“Yes, God, yes,” he said with a groan. 

“You have too many clothes on, Captain,” I murmured against his neck. 

He laughed breathlessly. “What do you intend to do about that, Commander? 

I pulled back enough to meet his gaze. His pupils were blown wide, his lips swollen. I’d never seen anyone so beautiful. “I surmise I will have to remove your clothing. Lift your arms.” 

Jim lifted his arms above his head which put the image of me taking him against the wall firmly in my mind. But I was not prepared for that as I did not anticipate he would come to my quarters or that we would engage in sexual activities. Next time I would have the appropriate supplies. 

I pulled off his gold shirt and undershirt exposing golden skin to my hungry gaze. “You are…you steal my breath.” 

His hand cupped my cheek. “You’re the one who steals mine. I've never known anyone like you, Spock.” 

I wanted him with an intensity I had never felt. I felt desire for him, yes, but it was more than that. I wanted all of him. His mind, his life, his body, his love. I did not know when it had come to this, but I could no longer deny it had. 

Dropping to my knees, I unfastened his pants and pulled them down to his knees. He wore black briefs that seemed to fit him like a second skin against his rounded buttocks and rather prominent bulge. 

I had never orally pleased a male, but I was familiar with the basics since I had experienced it myself. Lowering the briefs, I flicked my tongue out to taste the pearl-sized drop of pre-cum from the tip of his erect penis. 

“Oh my God. _Spock_.” 

If I smiled, I would be smiling then. As it was I did have to hide a look of triumph. I closed my mouth over it, drawing it inside. My own penis ached against my own regulation briefs, but I would free it from the restraints later. I wanted to concentrate on providing Jim pleasure. 

Over and over I applied suction until he was breathless and gasping, moaning my name over and over. It was gratifying. I sucked deeper, as deep as I could without engaging my gag reflexes. I reached down to squeeze myself through my pants, the intense ache refusing to be ignored. I had never been so aroused. 

“Oh, fuck, _Spock_ , I’m gonna—” 

The tangy taste of cum filled my mouth even as my own penis released. I swallowed what I could but some dribbled out onto my chin. 

Jim pulled away from me and collapsed on the floor next to me. “Damn, that was…was unexpected.” 

I pulled him close so that he was partially resting on me as I rested against the wall. “You did not know orgasm would be the result of oral stimulation?” 

He laughed. “Uh, no, I, uh, definitely knew that. Speaking of, give me a minute and I’ll orally stimulate you.” 

Shaking my head, I held him tighter. “Unnecessary at the moment. I have achieved orgasm as well.” 

“Oh. Okay.” He snuggled against me. “What I meant was, I didn't expect that you, um, would feel—” 

“You did not believe I reciprocated your regard?” 

Jim laughed again. “I wouldn't have put it that way, but yes, I didn't.” 

“I most definitely return it.” I kissed the top of his head. “In fact I have held you in great esteem for some time.” 

"Yeah? Same here. You've been driving me crazy for a long time, Spock. I just…not in a million years did I ever expect this. Friends was all I hoped for.” 

“I would like to explore the physical side of our relationship further,” I admitted. 

“Now?” 

"No, I am content for the moment. I would like to engage in copulation.” 

Jim made a strangled noise, then drew away from me to stare at me his eyes wide, and his smile wider. “Okay, that was…you’re killing me here, Spock.” 

“Is that not a correct term?” 

“Oh, it’s correct. I've never heard anyone say it quite like that. I sure as hell never have.” 

I raised an eyebrow. “What term would you use?” 

He blushed. “Well. I, uh. Um. I’d say I wanna fuck.” 

I considered this and then shrugged. “I cannot imagine using this term this way.” 

His lips twitched. “Yeah, I can’t really imagine that either.” 

“Are you agreeable?” 

“I definitely am,” Jim said. Then he sighed. “But there went my whole speech about no sex with your subordinates.” 

I nodded. “I have also thought of this. We are close in rank, however, and I do not believe that anyone could claim I was forced into a sexual relationship by you, Captain.” 

“That’s certainly true. I don’t think you could be forced to do much of anything against your will.” He kissed me. “You know, now I’m really starving. I didn't take more than a bite or two of that chicken.” 

“We should refresh ourselves and then I will get you a new meal. That is likely cold now.” 

“Yeah. And then, I’m afraid I have to go back to the bridge.” He smiled and stroked my cheek. “My first officer is currently out for medical leave.” 

“I am fine, Captain. Perfectly capable of attending to my duties. If you need to rest—” 

He shook his head. “No way. Bones would kill me if I had you back on the bridge before he said it was all right.” 

“He would end your life—” 

“Spock,” Jim said, clearly exasperated. “I know very well you know what I mean, stubborn Vulcan. Just behave yourself and rest. Do that meditation thing or whatever. Stay off the bridge and that’s an order from your captain.” 

“I do try to obey him.” 

His pupils dilated. “Yeah? I like when you obey me.” 

“If it is reasonable." 

Jim burst out laughing. “Insubordinate Vulcan.”


	13. Chapter 13

 

“Captain, may I have a word with you?” I asked as I entered the transporter room right behind him. 

The look he gave me was mutinous. I could tell he was tempted to tell me he most certainly would not take the time to speak with me, but after a glance at his landing party, he stepped to the side where I stood. 

“Yes, Mr. Spock?” 

“You have deliberately left me off the landing party.” 

“You don’t need to go on every away mission.” 

I did not fail to notice he did not deny it. “You left me off in an attempt to prevent me from protecting you.” 

His mouth was set in a stubborn line. “This is a routine mission. Nothing’s going to happen.” 

“Then it should not matter if I am on the away team.” 

“Are we ever going to go a day without fucking arguing?” he asked. 

“Negative as you are the most infuriating human I have ever known,” I retorted. 

Jim laughed. “That’s what I thought and for the record you are the most infuriating Vulcan.” 

“If this mission is routine,” I said calmly, “then there is no reason for you to go and I can go in your stead.” 

“Look, one of the coolest parts of being captain is I get to make the decisions. Which includes who makes up the away team. I need you on the bridge right now.” 

“Captain, there is no reason for you to go on every mission. Regulations say—” 

“Okay, seriously? We are not going to get into the regulations discussion, Commander. I've made this command decision and I’m sticking by it.” 

“Jim.” 

“Spock.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “It’s fine. I’m going to be fine. Nothing is going to happen to me on a routine mission just because you’re not with me.” 

“There is usually nothing routine about the missions you are involved in, Captain.” 

“It’ll be okay.” He squeezed my shoulder and gave me his special smile. “I’ll be back in no time. You have the con.” 

I wanted to argue further but did not and I watched him get onto the transporter pad with the rest of his party. I almost insisted on more security but I recognized I was being completely illogical and I refrained. 

“Energize,” he said and then they disappeared. 

**** 

 “Nothing really happened,” Jim protested as he pulled off his gold tunic and black undershirt hours later in his quarters. “I mean I’m here, right?” 

“Which is indeed fortunate,” I replied with a calmness I did not particularly feel. I had also come to the conclusion he was trying to distract me by removing his clothing in front of me. 

“I wasn't even really in danger, though. The rest of the crew, yes, but I never was.” 

“That is debatable. Mr. Scott and Mr. Sulu were turned into brainless slaves while the Enterprise was threatened with burning up by a sorceress who could turn into a black cat.” 

He nodded and sat on his bed to remove his boots. “That’s about it, yes. But I got the scepter away, broke it, and all’s well that ends well or something like that.” 

I crossed my arms in front of my chest while I watched him lie down on the bed and try to shimmy out of his pants. My mouth felt suddenly very dry. “And the part where I caught you kissing the sorceress?” 

Jim sighed. “I told you, I wasn't kissing her.” 

"Your lips were on hers.” 

“It was to distract her! I needed information out of her.” 

I narrowed my eyes. “I request that you cease distracting females on planets—and starbases and earth and shore leave—in this manner." 

“Spock.” 

“Or males. Find other ways to engage in distracting them.” 

“She was in to me and it worked,” he said, sitting up and tossing his uniform pants across the room. He now sat on the edge of his bed wearing only the tight briefs. 

“If you kissed everyone who was ’ _in to you’_ your lips would be endlessly engaged.” 

“Spock, I was not interested in her in any way. I’m interested in _you_.” He rose and walked across his quarters to the replicator and got himself a glass of water. 

“I am gratified to hear this, but still insist you keep your lips to yourself.” It was difficult to concentrate on being irritated with him when he presented himself in such a manner to me. “May I inquire as to why you have divested yourself of your clothing?” 

Jim finished his water and set the glass down. “Hmm? Oh, I was going to take a shower.” Then he tilted his head and ran his tongue over his bottom lip. “Although, if you have something else in mind, I’m totally up for it.” 

“When I entered your quarters I had not thought of copulation, but now it is difficult to think of much else,” I admitted, my gaze raking over his body, lingering over the rounded buttocks. 

“Oh, God, there you go with that sexy talk again,” Jim said with a laugh. “Honestly, Spock, only you could make words like copulation sound so hot.” 

I walked the few steps to his location and placed my hands on his posterior. “I presume you have what is necessary.” 

“You presume correctly.” Jim smiled as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “Are you ready to have me fuck you?” 

My eyebrow lifted. “I assure you, Captain, you will be the bottom.” 

He laughed again. “You really think so?” 

I nodded. “I am stronger than you if you will recall.” 

“Hey, that’s not fair.” 

“No, it is not,” I agreed. “Do you wish to be taken against the wall or do you wish your first copulation to be on the bed?” 

His eyes dilated and his tongue darted out to lick his lips. “ _Any_ way.  Just-just get to it already.” 

“Where is the lube?” 

“Oh, God.” Jim pointed to a small table with a single drawer next to his bed.  “Hurry. And for God’s sake, get naked, Spock.” 

I went to the drawer and removed the small bottle of lube and when I turned back around Jim had removed his briefs and now lay on the bed stroking himself. My mouth went dry and I was more aroused than I could ever remember being. 

“Are you just going to stare or what? Get the fuck over here.” 

As though in a trance, I took the last few steps to his bed and handed him the lube with a shaking hand. I pulled my two shirts off like they were on fire and didn't care where they landed as I flung them aside. My boots were removed next, and then my pants and brief.   

I knelt on the bed in awe as I watched Jim push a slicked finger inside himself.  “You are stunning.” 

“Yeah? Kiss me.” 

I bent down to take his lips with mine, slipping my tongue inside his hot, moist mouth. My fingers spread over his face. “If you would permit me,” I said after breaking our kiss, “I would like to meld with your mind.” 

“Fuck me and you can do whatever you want to me,” Jim said, kissing me. 

I connected our minds even as I moved between his legs. He lifted up and I entered him. 

“Oh, oh, geez, _Spock_.”  Jim’s eyes rolled back. “How-how did you—” 

  
_Jim, you do not need to speak out loud. I will read your thoughts now. You must know that there are pleasure points in your mind. I have touched them_.

_Ah, fuck. That’s amazing. Touch them again._

_You are insatiable._

_You have no idea. Ah, Spock, move. Fuck me._

_I do aim to please, Captain._

_Oh, God, that’s…that’s amazing. It’s like—_

_What?_

_Like I could just come from what you’re doing to my mind._

_Yes._

_Oh. My. God. Spock!!!_

_As you see, you can._

_That was—_

_And again._

  
_Ah_ _, Spock._

_You are very tight, Jim._

_Yeah, it’s…it’s been a while since, since that._

_So, you have copulated with other males._

_God, you really kill me, Spock. I adore you._

_And I, you._

_I am glad I am not alone. And yes, to other men. Not in a while. Oh, God, that’s good._

_A deity has nothing to do with what is being done to you, Jim. It is me._

_Spock!_

_Jim._

_Can you…can you—?_

_Yesssss._  

“Jim?” I held him close to me, his head on my chest. My hand smoothing across his damp skin. 

“Uhh.” 

“Are you well?” 

“Uhh” 

“Can you speak?” 

“Uhh.” 

I turned him onto his back and then loomed above him.  His eyes were closed. “Jim?” 

He opened one eye. “What?” 

“I was growing concerned.” 

“Gah, gimmeaminute.” 

“Clarify.” 

Jim blinked several times, then gave me a crooked grin. “Tired.” 

“But you are not unwell?” 

“No. Amazing.” 

Relief flowed through me and I leaned down to kiss him. “You are amazing.” 

He shook his head, but he was smiling that mysterious smile, but I finally thought I knew what that smile meant, after all and why it was for me. And it filled me with joy. 

“How long?” I asked after a moment of staring at him, memorizing every tiny feature in his face. 

“How long what?” 

I found my voice. “Have you been in love with me?” 

“Oh, that.” But the smile was still in place and he was relaxed. “Let’s see. It’s hard to say it’s been so long. It’s hard to recall when you didn't feel a part of me.” 

My throat tightened. “I have been a fool.” 

“How so?” His hand reached up to stroke my cheek. 

“I should have realized my love for you earlier.” 

“Yeah? You love me?” 

“More than I can convey, Jim.” 

“I think it was after Narada when you walked on to the bridge and offered to be my first officer. It was probably even before that, honestly, but that’s when I knew.” 

I turned my head to kiss the palm of his hand. “I am sorry I have caused you any pain.” 

“The course of true love never did run smoothly,” Jim said. “What matters is we have found it now.” 

“This may be too soon, but, there is something Vulcans do with their…their intended.” 

“What?” His blue eyes were so warm and intense I wanted to drown in them. 

“It is called a bond. We would have our minds linked by a Vulcan High Priestess. It would be a personal, intimate joining between lifetime mates. It is known as a bondmate. Our thoughts, our emotions, our sense of being would be as one.” 

“Wow, sounds like something really serious.” 

I nodded. “It is.  We would still be separate minds. Parted and never parted. Never and always touching and touched.” 

“So…are you asking…do you want us to…do this?” 

I could not read how he felt about it. His gaze was loving but unreadable. 

“I would like to if you are agreeable. It is similar to a human marriage, Jim.” 

“Wow. Okay. Wow.” He shook his head. “This is…big.” 

My heart stuttered. “If you are not ready—” 

“No, Spock. No. It’s not that. It’s just we've just gone from wow, you’re hot to I love you to be my mate for life. It’s a bit overwhelming.” 

“I understand wanting to wait until you are sure.” 

“Hey.” He leaned up to kiss me. “I’m sure. I love you, Spock. I've never felt this way about anyone else and I never will. If you want us to be bonded, I am _so_ okay with that.” 

“We will have to request permission from Starfleet to go to New Vulcan for the bonding ceremony.” 

Jim nodded. “We can do that. But first, I’m exhausted. I know Vulcans don’t need a lot of sleep, but humans do, and I just got back from some whacked sorceress who wanted to make me her toy.” He yawned. “Only to have the most amazing sex and mind-sex ever.” 

I kissed him. “Go to sleep, Jim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reference is made to the episode Catspaw


	14. Chapter 14

 

I should not have been surprised when Dr. McCoy appeared at the door of my quarters. I was not, exactly. I was more surprised at the speed of which he’d discovered my new relationship with Jim. I had no doubt that was why he had appeared. 

“Doctor, I would invite you in but I suspect you will come in no matter what I have to say about it.” I stepped aside to allow him entrance. 

“Thank you, Spock; I would love to come in.” McCoy entered my quarters and looked around. “It’s as hot as Jim said.” 

“So you have been speaking with the captain about my quarters.” 

“He merely said they were as hot as Vulcan.” 

I decided to get right to the reason for his visit. “I presume you have been made aware that the captain and I have developed a close relationship.” 

“You mean you’re sleeping together.” 

“That implies that Jim and I are sexually involved without a deep regard.” 

McCoy smirked. “And that’s not the case?" 

I straightened. “I do not believe your having knowledge of my feelings for the captain fall under your duties as chief medical officer.” 

“Oh, on the contrary, you need me on your side, Mr. Spock, if you’re going to convince Starfleet to okay your bond with Jim.” 

“You have, indeed, been speaking to the captain.” 

“Yes, he’s my commanding officer, too, Spock. Because this has to go through Starfleet it was necessary for him to inform me.” 

I nodded, hands clenched behind my back. “What are your concerns, doctor? 

“You two are number one and two on the Enterprise. It’s well known these days that you make an excellent command team. You’re becoming almost legendary and the Federation eats that up, as you probably realize.” 

“Affirmative.” 

“My point is that they aren't going to be pleased at anything that might breakup their star players.” 

“You are aware that bonding is considered a lifetime commitment.” 

McCoy snorted. “So is marriage. Ends in divorce all of the time.” 

“Vulcans do not divorce. Not in the way of a human marriage,” I informed him. 

“Jim is not Vulcan, Spock." 

“I am well aware of that, doctor. Neither Jim nor I would go into the bonding ceremony without a great deal of thought to what we are doing. It would only be logical.” 

“Yes, I’m sure, but love is never logical. I already know you are very protective of Jim. Is this going to cause any issues in your abilities as first officer?” 

I shook my head. “I do not intend to alter my practices. It is my duty as first officer to ensure the captain is safe. Naturally my regard for him will only strengthen my resolve to keep a highly decorated Starfleet officer safe.” 

“And if Jim refuses to allow you on any landing parties in order to protect you?” McCoy asked. 

“I do not believe it would come to that.” 

“What if it does?” 

“I would be forced to point out the illogic of his command decisions.” 

My quarters’ doors opened without notice and Jim stepped inside.

“Oh, hey, Bones. I didn't expect you to be here in Spock’s private quarters.” He smirked. “Should I be jealous you two are meeting in secret?” 

McCoy scowled. “I’m here to question him about the bonding.” 

Jim laughed. “I know that. I was just trying to get a rise out of you.” 

Jim stepped past McCoy and came directly to me. To my surprise, he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. 

“That was something I didn't need to see,” McCoy grumbled. 

“Well, I am in the private quarters of my…er…fiance, Bones. I wouldn't smooch him on the bridge.” 

"Indeed, I am grateful for that,” I said, though I reached for Jim’s hand and stroked two fingers over his in the Vulcan kiss. 

“We all are. All right, I think I have enough from you two and I have actual work to do,” the doctor said. And then he exited my quarters. 

Jim smiled. “He didn't give you too hard a time did he?” 

“No. But he did bring up something I believe the two of us should discuss more fully, Captain.” 

“Oh, captain is it? I must be in trouble. Okay.” He leaned against my desk and folded his arms in front of his chest. “Let’s have it then, Commander.” 

“On our last away mission, you refused to allow me on the landing party.” 

“What of it?” 

“I believe it was your attempt to protect me from harm,” I said. 

“It just wasn't a mission that required both of us. Or I didn't think it did at the time anyway.” He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t believe every mission requires both the captain and the first officer, Spock. Often it makes sense to leave you in command of the bridge. If the party does get in trouble down there, I don’t think there is anyone I’d rather have up on the Enterprise trying to rescue us. And likewise, if something happens to endanger the ship, there is no one more capable than you.” He grinned. “Except me, of course.” 

I nodded. “Of course. Everything you have said is all very logical.” 

“Didn't think I had it in me, did you, Spock?” 

“No, sir.” 

“Hey!” 

I hesitated. “I think, perhaps, the fault is with me.” 

“Excuse me?” Jim asked, his brows furrowed. 

“I have a somewhat illogical fear where you are concerned, Jim,” I admitted. “I have already lost my planet and my mother. I lost you once. Almost twice. I fear the loss of you will be more than I can abide.” 

He came away from the desk and wrapped me in his arms. “Spock, we can’t know what is in store for us. Not really.  We can hope for a long and happy life together and maybe we’ll have that. I certainly hope so.” He pulled back enough to frame my face in his hands. “But we have to live for today, for now, with what we have and what we know. And I know I love you so much I can’t imagine one minute without you. So, yes, I want to be bonded with you. I want our minds linked. I want whatever you can give me. I want it all. Flying across the galaxy is nothing without you by my side, Spock.” 

He’d said everything I wished I could say. His feelings were my feelings. There would be no one else for me but Jim. As I suspected it had been in all our universes. 

“T’hy’la,” I whispered, then kissed him, deeply and slowly. I touched my hand to his face so he would know all that I felt, that I could not say with mere words.

_What is T’hy’la?_

_Its meaning is similar to a soul mate. Friend, brother-in-arms, lover. It is a deep bond._

_Is that what we will be?_

_Yes. We are already there, we just need the bond to be completed, but our connection, what we are to each other, has already formed._

_I love the sound of that._

_As do I. You are everything to me. That I did not know it or allow it to show before it was almost too late grieves me._

_Spock._

_I know, live for today._

_Yes._

_My love for you is expansive._

_I’m glad because right back at you._

****

“Who is that?” Jim whispered to me as we approached the place where our bonding ceremony was to take place. 

New Vulcan was not the same as Vulcan had been. It was warm, yes, like Vulcan, and had some similarities, but it would never be home. Not to me. 

The ceremony was to take place under two large stone arches that had been erected to mirror Vulcan. I had already hit the musical bell there with a gong to announce to the high priestess and her party that we had arrived. 

“That is Stonn. He is a cousin,” I explained. “Next to my father is Saareth, his brother.” 

“And who is that old lady?” 

“Jim,” I said, lowly. 

He laughed. “Okay, who is that old Vulcan?” 

“She is the high priestess, T’Pau. Very wise. We are honored to have her perform our bonding ceremony.” 

“Oh, yeah, I've heard of her.” Jim turned to the doctor and poked him in the ribs. “Hey, Bones, that’s T’Pau. She turned down a seat on the Federation Council. Pretty cool, huh?” 

“Captain,” I said, exasperated. 

Jim straightened and changed his face to a look of extreme solemnness.   “Better?” 

“Yes.” 

T’Pau and her party stopped  a few feet away from where Jim and I, in our dress uniforms, stood. Besides us we’d brought McCoy and Nyota down to the planet surface. They couldn't participate in traditional human marriage roles, but both of us knew they would want to witness our bonding. 

Nyota had taken the news of our bonding surprisingly well. She’d told me she knew that was more to my interest in Jim than mere infatuation, and though she was sad we had parted romantically, she was glad our friendship had endured. 

“The couple to be bonded will come forward now,” T’Pau announced. Her gaze was stern as she looked at me and Jim. 

Jim hesitated and bit his lip. 

“Jim?” 

“She looks scary, Spock.” 

I sighed. “You are a starship captain. You have faced death numerous times.” 

“Yeah, but—” 

“Captain!” 

He rolled his eyes. “All right.” 

We stepped forward and bowed before her. Then I stood and spread my fingers. 

“T’Pau, you honor us this day.” 

“Spock,  this is your bonding mate?” 

“Yes, this is James Kirk.” 

Jim bowed again. “Ma’am.” 

“A human. How thee are like thy father.” Her stare as she looked at Jim was stony. “We are well acquainted with thee, Captain James Kirk.” 

Jim swallowed. “Yes, ma’am?” 

“We hold thee in high regard.” 

“Thanks. Um, Thank you, ma’am.” 

“It is time to begin the bonding.” She turned to me. “Spock, thee have chosen Kirk as thy bondmate of thy own free will?” 

“I have.” 

“Kirk, thee have chosen Spock as they bondmate of thy own free will?” 

“I have.” 

“Parted and never parted. Never and always touching and touched.” She stepped between us. She put her right hand on my face and her left hand on Jim’s and she spoke in the ancient Vulcan. 

My mind shifted and though I was not melded with Jim, I felt him in my mind, comforting, loving, warm, and with an energetic vibrancy that could only come from him. Brilliance and light. Something seemed to leap with joy in my mind as our thoughts and feelings met, embracing. A swirl of colored threads in my mind connected, shimmied. 

We are one. 

“It is done,” T’Pau said, removing her hands from our faces and stepping away. “Thee are bonded. Thee have a very strong bond. It is rare. In the Vulcan this is thought of as a lifetime mating. Breaking a bond this strong would be difficult and dangerous.” 

“We will not wish to break it,” I assured her. I raised my hand to her. “Live long and prosper.” 

“And you, Spock, and you, Kirk.” 

Jim held up his hand, too, although he was slower to spread his fingers. “Live long and prosper.” 

We turned and McCoy and Nyota stepped forward. 

Bones embraced Jim. “So that’s it? You’re an old married couple now?" 

“Not old, Bones.” Jim laughed. 

Nyota kissed my cheek. “I’m so happy for you, Spock. You deserve this.” 

My father approached us. “Now, if you will join us, we will dine.” 

**** 

“I should not be surprised to find you out here staring up at the stars.” I wrapped my arms around my bondmate’s waist and pulled him against me. 

It was night on New Vulcan, the sky now a dark, rusty red dotted with stars. 

Jim nodded. “I spent my whole childhood looking up at the sky, wondering. What it was about those stars, those planets that took my parents from me. My dad getting killed, yeah, but it kept my mom away, too. Always on some mission, some ship, some planet. Not with me.” 

“I wish that you had a closer relationship with your mother.” 

“Yeah, me, too. But I don’t think that will ever happen, really. Maybe we’re too alike. I don’t know. I just know now that I’ve touched the stars, I can’t imagine ever going back to Iowa and a life there.” 

“There is no finer starship captain,” I told him, kissing his ear. 

He chuckled. “It’s funny to hear you say that, even after all this time. And even without you saying it out loud, I know you believe it. This bond…it’s amazing.” 

“I, too, find it pleasing.” 

“And I also know that you believed you were merely infatuated with me when our five year mission began.” 

I nodded. “Fascination gave way to infatuation. You were a paradox. Highly compelling, but I did not know why.” 

“Not my stellar good looks?” 

“You  _are_  beautiful in a physical sense,” I acknowledged. “But it was your mind, your energy, the essence of you that I found most intriguing. Once I began to learn the nuances of you, the infatuation turned very quickly to love. No matter how illogical.” 

Jim turned in my arms. “Well, I for one, am glad you gave into your illogical side.” 

“I too am gratified.” 

We kissed until we were breathless. 

“Vulcans don’t believe in honeymoons, huh?” 

“No. And anyway, Starfleet would never allow us the time. We are expected back on the Enterprise tomorrow morning.” 

“So, how are we supposed to have wild, crazy sex repeatedly?” 

“There is Pon Farr.” 

“What is Pon Farr?” 

“It is our mating time when we are compelled to mate quite aggressively.” 

Jim licked his lips and his eyes got dreamy. “Yeah?” 

“It only occurs every seven years though.” 

“Seven years? What the fuck?” 

I shook my head. “We do not have to wait for the Vulcan Pon Farr, Jim. We can make our own Pon Farr any time we wish.” 

He smiled his special smile for me. “Now you are talking, Commander.” 

“I live to serve, my Captain.” 


	15. Epilogue

 

_Spock, are you all right?_

_Yes, Jim. Just as I told you five minutes ago when you asked._

_Well forgive me if I’m a little freaked out my husband has been kidnapped by alien fucks._

_Be careful, Jim._

_Yeah, you said that five minutes ago, too._

_Forgive me if I am concerned that my bondmate does not get himself injured or killed in an attempt to rescue me._

_I won’t. I have Uhura and Sulu with me and they both kick ass._

_I am gratified, but I still wish you to be careful. I would rather perish than have you come to harm._

_After all this time you’re still singing the same old song._

_Do you believe our years together would change me, Admiral?_

_No, and I wouldn't want it any other way, Captain._  

I heard phaser fire in the distance and knew that Jim and the others were getting close to the location of my cell. On what was supposed to be a routine diplomatic mission I had been abducted by an alien rebel faction. I knew Jim would do whatever it took to rescue me even as I was still anxious for his safety. It had been this way for the fifteen years we’d been together. This counted our time before we were bonded.

_Not long now, Spock._  

I had been left relatively unharmed by the aliens. I did not believe their intent was to kill me but rather to trade me for some of their own men held by the Federation. But the Federation would not give into such demands and they had no need to do so with Admiral Kirk conquering the galaxy. 

My Jim had become something of a superstar for Starfleet. He’d saved the earth three times over, was more decorated than any officer in the history of Starfleet, and had saved many other planets from destruction as well. Including New Vulcan five years earlier during the Klingon war. 

More phaser blasts and then Nyota appeared just beyond the gate to my cell. She was as tall and statuesque as ever. Beautiful and proud. 

“Spock,” she called to me. “I've got the key. Hang on.” 

I watched as she stuck a large plastic card into the electronic lock of my cell gate. It flashed blue and released. 

“Where is the Admiral?” I asked as she embraced me briefly. 

“Out there,” she pointed from the direction she came. 

“Stunning aliens.” She handed me a phaser. “You’re all right?” 

“I am uninjured, Nyota.” 

We turned the corner and entered the main corridor of the alien dwelling. The aliens, a rather odd lizard creature called the Gorn, were lying unconscious on the ground. Sulu had his phaser aimed at one that had fallen to his knees, but otherwise none still remained upright. 

Jim stood near and he flashed me a grin that would light up the universe. There were lines  around his eyes now and he was perhaps a little heavier than before, but he was still the most aesthetically pleasing human, or any species really, I had ever seen. 

“Looks like you’re okay, Captain,” he said to me. 

My lips twitched just a little, “Affirmative, Admiral.” 

“Ready to get off this fucked up planet?” Jim asked. 

I nodded. And Nyota and Sulu came to stand near us. 

“Beam us up, Scotty.” 

We faded and then reappeared in the transporter room of the Enterprise. McCoy stood next to Mr. Scott. 

“I do not need medical attention, doctor,” I said as I stepped off the transporter. 

“I’ll be the judge of that. Off you go to sickbay.” 

“Admiral,” I protested. 

But Jim smiled and shook his head. “You heard Bones, Spock. Let him check you out. I’ll be waiting in our quarters.” 

**** 

Jim was sitting on our bed when I arrived at our quarters thirty one point five minutes later. He had removed all but his briefs. 

“So, Bones say you are okay?” 

“Affirmative. As I said I was.” I pulled off my shirts and then sat next to him to remove my boots. I titled my head. “You are distressed.” 

“Just coming off an adrenaline rush. I think I’m getting too old for this.” 

“You are still in the prime of your life, Jim. Only barely over forty.” 

“True, but we've been doing this shit for a long time. And one of us always has to go chasing after the other.” He shook his head. “You put some more gray hairs on me, Spock.” 

I smoothed my hand through his hair. “Gray does not look so bad on you. Indeed, I think you will always be beautiful.” 

He laughed. “Love really is blind.” But he drew me to him and kissed me. “I couldn't have done any of this without you. I love you so much.” 

I pushed him down so that he lay underneath me on the bed. “And I you.” I brushed two fingers over his in the Vulcan kiss, closing my eyes. I was suddenly very aroused and I didn't think I could wait long to have him. 

“You need to get rid of those pants, Spock,” he murmured against my lips. 

I stood up and divested myself of the remainder of my clothing and then I reached down to pull him off the bed. 

“Hey, I thought we were going to—” 

“We are,” I assured him. “But I want you on the desk.” 

His pupils blew wide and he nodded. 

I pushed him toward the desk and got him on the edge, shoving him down onto his back with his buttocks on the edge. 

“Damn Vulcan strength, always pushing me around,” Jim said, but he was smiling. 

After yanking off his briefs, I reached for the lube. One finger, two fingers, and then a third inside him, stretching him, opening him, for me. Only and always. 

He shook all over, his eyes pleading. “Please, Spock, fuck me. _Please_.” 

I withdrew my fingers and spread lube over my erection, then poised it at his entrance. Hiking his legs up to rest on my shoulders, I pushed inside him, slowly pressing past the tight ring of muscle. 

“Yes, right there, yes,” he moaned. 

Brushing his prostate, I pushed farther until I was fully inside him, balls deep   Thrusting hard and fast, the sound of our slapping flesh loud in the otherwise quiet quarters. Jim reached his hand between our bodies and fisted himself, his frantic strokes matching the pounding in his body. 

No matter how many times we’d done this, and there had been many over the years, each time was new, precious. I never knew when the last time would be, neither of us did, we did not dwell on this, but I knew it was a concern for both of us. How long did we have. I wanted an eternity. Refused to settle for less. 

My balls drew tight and I knew I couldn't last much longer, so I sped up my thrusts, went deeper still, slamming into him again and again, wanting to mark him with my cum, my scent, with me. 

“Spock!” Jim screamed, white cream shooting from him, all over his fingers, splattering his stomach. It was all I needed, for my own body gave into the need to release, and I shuddered and shook as I emptied into him. 

When I could move, I slipped from his body and pulled him into my arms. We held each other close, arms wrapped around each other. Neither of us wanting to let go. Ever. 

Jim yawned. “Tired.” 

“As am I.” 

I moved us back to the bed and laid us on the mattress, making sure we were once more in each other’s arms. 

Jim’s head rested against my chest. “I’m so glad you’re safe. I was frantic.” 

“I know. But they did not harm me.” 

“Thank God for the bond. I, at least, had that to reach you.” 

“You will always have that. We will always have that,” I assured him. “There is no other mind I would rather have with me than yours.” 

He grinned against me. “We've become a couple of saps, haven’t we?” 

“It is possible.” 

Jim laughed.  “Yeah. But I guess I’m okay with that. I mean, I’m still pretty badass otherwise, aren't I?” 

I nodded. “Most definitely.” 

“You aren't just saying that, are you?” 

“No, Admiral. You are Starfleet’s finest commanding officer. As you have been for many years.” 

Jim’s smile was brilliant. “Thanks, Spock. That means more coming from you than any medals or accolades ever can.” 

I tightened my arms around him. “I would say that someday you will see your worth, but even after all that you have done you still have a lot of insecurities. I find it astounding because you are highly intelligent, a tactical genius, and –” 

He touched his fingers to my lips. “I get it.” 

“Do you?” 

“Yes, you love me.” 

“I do, but I still speak the truth. You know this as you can see into my thoughts.” 

He smiled. “Yeah. We make a great team, you and me. The best.” 

“We do.” 

“Think we’ll ever be as famous as the other Spock and Kirk?” 

“I do not know.” I kissed him. “And I find I do not care. My Kirk is perfect.” 

And then I crushed him underneath me and we made love again.

 

The End    


End file.
